tales

shifting

2010-11-10T16:55:00.001+08:00

i have shifted blog. im no longer writing in here because, oh well, my other blog is meant for privacy. because i never told anyone it existed. but I guess im telling you now. So if you want to read, like for some obscene reason you seem to want to read, or if you're just killing time and you want to read, go here: violetsibirskiy. I'll leave the rest of the link for you smartiepants to figure out. Oh and yeah, whatever you read, you don't say nothing about it. whatever's in there stays there. no commentaries or hatemails or stuffs like that. leave em hatemails here. thanks a million

real dreams

2010-10-05T00:51:00.003+08:00

I was on my way back from Abby's when something struck my mind. Okay, fine the intro is cliche. But now I realise that someway somehow, I am in a place where I never thought I will be 5 years ago. Well, honestly, I did daydream about it, and when I daydream, I usually become obsessed with them that I would stallk the little details to make them come true. It's just that I never thought thay'd really come true since you know, being a kid, people always say stuff like, "angan-angan je tu" and stuff like, " it's all in your head, you know you're not gonna be like that" and more oftenly stuff like, " ah you, teruskan je la mimpi you tu.... tak ke mane pun". Yeah so you kinda digest it until your brain interprets every dream to be repulsive, surreal, aint-never-gonna-happen-lady kind of thing. Make it short, they tell you dream=not gonna happen. Or maybe they always thought that mine was so out of the league it would never have happened. Im not here to brag, I've had enough of that and it's not longer fun, but I guess I owe it to myself to say, " hey look at you, you've climbed step by step and you grab your stars one by one, and they say stars are impossible to reach, but you prove people otherwise, but guess what, even if you reach the top, they would still say you're a dreamer because they can't accept that they didn't follow their dream and you did, and you succeeded. Maybe you haven't have it all just yet, because it's no fun to eat candies and drink milkshakes at the same time but you'll get one by one and maybe one day all of them if you keep on flying, keep on trying and as long as you don't decide to bury your dreams and keep them in a box just so you could tell your grandchildren the i-once-had-this-dream stuff, they'll eventually turn to be reality". After all real dreams are made of effort and the chance taken.

me

2010-08-27T14:23:00.002+08:00

In another version of life, I am a nocturnal who lives in the city apartment which has big glasses soaring sevent feet tall overseeing the city nightline, on the other side, the beach. And my bedsheets they smell like milk, like babies and lavenders. On my sofa is the remote control for everything, and where I lay I can see the world from above, glancing down at the party people.. Not that I want to join, I'm good here in my confined space. In my other life, I have my tall guy too, the very same one I have in this version of life with and addition of my fluffy kittens. My other version of life, lives in my head.

Life

2010-08-02T21:07:00.009+08:00

Life : Is when you fail and get up again.
Life : Is when you make mistakes and admit to them.
Life : Is when you feel pain as much as you feel joy.
Life : Is making up to the mistakes you've done.
Life : Is when you sacrifice, and change for the benefits of not only yourself, but others too.
Life : Is when you forgive and take on the bright side
Life : Is to devote to god and to work hard for life and love

Well, every corner of my life seems to experience that. But ofcourse, I'm not saying I've seen the best of life because I am still purely, just living. In the process to understand life. What concerns me yesterday was how I need to work hard and succeed at everything for my Mom. What concerns me today is tomorow's advertising class. In which I already missed 2 classes, and therefore, the risk of getting a "fail" is there. But I won't make any excuse, It was me and me alone, and I accept that, and the consequence thatcome with it. Well hey, I could learn again and most importantly, not repeat my mistakes. And yes, I have rage. For this and that, if things don't go my way I could bet I'd go throw tantrums. That has to change. I've decided to try best as possible to let go of my anger, to overcome these negative feelings. I really hope, dear god, that you carry me through this life with guidance, and a chance to repent and get back on my knees again, with brave heart.

reincarnation

2010-07-27T18:46:00.003+08:00

Yesterday I learn: people can't deal with the whole truth all at once, which is why the Quran is brought down one at a time.

True enough, and we often realise how many mistakes we've done until we lost something. True too.

Both of the above statement is me. I learn if we change for people, we're in for a self-destruction. It eats us from within and than it eats everything else around the destructed. It eats life. I've seen this happening to myself. It eats those I love most, everything from entity, masses and dreams. I've tried so hard to become everything people want me to be, I forgot what I wanted to be.

I guess now only I am ready to change myself. Well I am little bit late, but it was the wake up call I needed. I can't change the past, even if I churn my intestine and heart. But I can mould my future to be a better one. I can't tell people I've changed and what part of me changed. I can only show. So look out world, Im reincarnating, here's a better version of me.

I never will forget though everything that got me this far, my body is full of the tattoos I made with the artist. All of them good, the last one bad, but I like it though, sometimes we need it to feel human. But my skin is stretching still, and as time grows I'll have more to tattoos, I wish one day the same artist will be available to mark a fresh new tattoo down on me, with new inks.

p/s: should've gone to see Slash.

chappy

2010-07-08T10:55:00.002+08:00

The morning of July - it has been a while since i have morning blogs. Come to think of it I really have not much of a say. I'd love to say here I am blogging with a cup of tea in my hand, all pumped for college, hair tied up and make up done. Well, I am on my bed, just woke up knowing German lost to Spain in the World cup, and that I have to drive the car tonight? Screw that. I made a bet - wait i didn't. He made a bet that if German loses I'd have to drive, which I said yes to because oh well, I wanted to get back to sleep. So it was unconscious brain talking. If I knew, I'd stay up with caffeine, too bad, I don't consume it. So I guess today is gonna go slow. Yeah right,as if Im gonna let that happen. I have my media law essay to end, I have my advertising to think about, going to schools and stuff. Can't believe I'm going back to my old school. Then there's journalism and research methodology. Assignments, assignments gone may you be.

crash course

2010-06-18T23:53:00.004+08:00

Like every normal, NORMAL teenage girl, ofcourse I'd have my celebrity crush. And it ain't Bieber hunneh! Ok fine I like that kid (my boy likes him too, alright, so I have my defense), yeah I'm talking about this dude:
Yeah it's Slash girls and boys and he's coming to Malaysia. I think I would cry if I get to see him, okay that might be a little overdramatic. (stress the little). But I was thinking about buying the tickets for me and my guy and my little brother- wait, I wasn't thinking, I'm definitely buying. Now all I need to do is find out where I could purchase them. Not to mention, I already have the perfect shirt to wear :P Well, not much of a shirt but yeah it'll work. Definitely.

OKAY I ADMIT IM OVERWHELMED ON THE FACT THAT HE'S COMING HERE. I ADORE HIM ALRIGHT??????? SLASH I'M COMING TO SEE YOU! AND JENAN AND AMJAD YOU'RE FOLLOWING ME. I INSIST.

-phew, i finally let that out, and i for the first time have names on blogspot.

Fire!

2010-05-31T22:19:00.004+08:00

You can't say Bruce Springsteen didn't once made you melt. At an age like this, he sure still has it.
Fire - one of my favourite of his :)

Truths and truths

2010-05-21T02:08:00.004+08:00

For the past month, I have had my skin shed. Here's my new view in life.

1. It is true that if you work hard enough you'll eventually accomplish. But why choose to work hard in a longer period when you already find ways that will make you accomplish more in a shorter period?
That's the same as saying, why would I hunt, when I have barbequed lamb infront of me, just add sauce. In my case, I already found the work hard in a shorter period and accomplish more thing. Why yes sure, I'd be glad to share.

2. It is true that education is really, crucially important. But why spend more on it when you can gain more from it, and at the same time planting seeds of wisdom with the earnings. Jyeahhh! definitely my favourite right here.

3. It is true that money cannot and will never be able to buy evrything. But, admit it, we live in a world of Ka-ching's. Where money dominates 90% of whatever exists on this planet earth. Today as we can see, money has stepped up as to being able to buy people, minds. Like seriously.

4. It is true that friends are forever, but why would you want to stick with downers when you have a whole bunch of supportive people ushering you to the family? To be positive, you work with positive people. To be bad, you can do it even without a single negative person. So again, why do you need negative beings for? Right, to help them change. See, more positive outcome :P

5. It is true that you can achieve by playing dirty but your achievement would be your real blunder in life. No obstacles? no worries, your succes is your obstacle in achieving life. Mom told me this.

6. It is true that whatever we do we would want prove, but why waste your time waiting for it when you could experiment it yourself? if the Wright brothers waited for proofs to see if it's possible for human to fly, they wouldn't be inventors of airplanes and we would be travelling by ship still

7. It is true that we would follow once we've seen the vast result but legends and historians didn't make it by following, they made it by inventing, leading, making a difference and being the first. And if none of it is possible, they made it by fighting together, joining the pack, and giving the universe a reason to be remembered.

8. It is true that opportunities don't come knocking twice, which is why you shouldn't have closed the door when you see it in the first place, because like it or not, whatever you decline, would be a blessing to the others.

As I grow

2010-05-14T21:05:00.002+08:00

I've come to discover that when I was little I sulk a lot. Like really a lot, I sulk whenever things don't go my way, and I cry at the littlest pain, yeah and people could drown in my tears if I were to feel pains - with the s, plural form, as in saying many.

Now that i've reach adulthood (while saying this, please note that i'm still in doubt if I'm fit enough to be called an adult), point is, now I can cry at almost everything, I mean, small pain don't and won't cost me tears, I almost just get over it, or as hard as I try to force, my tears just won't budge out. But I could cry at watching movies, reading stories, and of course, when I feel like I've failed.

My tears flow while I was watching My Name is Khan, well because, it's touchy enough to see how the Muslims withstand hatred from people around after the event of 9/11. I cried at watching Adamaya, because it's touchy too see a wife begging for forgiveness from his husband. Then i cried at watching Lovely Bones because, i was raged at the heartless killer. Point is, I guess, as I grew it's easier for me to imagine myself in such situations, it's easier for me to relate to people even.

I mean as I grew, I realise more than ever that I can't be selfish. Whatever suffering I go through, obstacles I need to overtake, whatever hurricane and storm I need to withstand, I am never alone, infact there might be someone out there facing worse. I learnt that at times we need to follow our heart, but sometimes emotions kill. And that's when the brain takes over. I've realised too, emotions could swallow us deep into a sinkhole, but wisdom could only tell us how to live.

Joyride disaster

2010-04-29T23:49:00.004+08:00

I read about the fifteen year old boy who was shot to death by a policeman. The first I heard about the story was the night I cam home late. The first thing my dad told me, after I shook his hand. That was when I had my questions answered. All the way back I was thinking, why are my parents being overworried tonight. Because a schoolboy was shot by the one we thought were to protect us. I have met good policemen, but it's sad to learn that this one policeman had to spoil all the good works of all the policemen in Malaysia. Im sorry, but that's how the people sees it. They want justice, because every criminal gets a trial, even worst criminals get trials, and they will not have death sentence until fully investigated. But Aminulrasyid never got the trial he deserved. I joined every group supporting him on facebook. Some how what happened to him stroke me hard. Maybe because my brother used to know him, maybe because my brother was the same age of him, maybe because I know what it feels like when you're involved in an accident, how scared you are, and how the only thing on your mind was getting home as soon as possible, eventhough in my case, I was the one who got hit by another car, but Icouldn't imagine how scared I was at that time, and I have my license and I am nineteen. So I would imagine a fifteen year old would have every reason in the wolrd to be scared.

I browsed to his photos, posted by his school friends, and I shed tears. I actually cried. We used to hear parents say, "If you're in trouble find the nearest police station, or find a policeman". This past two days though, I've heard a lot of friends saying the advice they received from their parents, "If you collide with a policeman, be careful". Now it's upside down. I do believe policemen are good. I've collided with these good men. But somehow, the one who shot the kid, he needs to be look at. I mean, he is the reason why everyone is so mad at policemen in general.

I think deep down, people are all just scared. Because they gave their lives and trust to the policemen. I believe the school kid too, gave his life and trust, his life was robbed with a gunshot, a gunshot by A POLICEMAN. When all the A-listed criminals enjoy life, he got shot. The school boy, like most teenagers would experience, is just being a teenager, anxious in life, taking a joyride with friends, tell me how bad is that? It's only a normal teenager. Sneaking out behind parent's back. But he got shot. No trials, no defense, just a gunshot.

I think what I'm trying to say is, not all policemen are bad, some of them are really dedicated and fair. It's just the one who fired the shot to a kid in a housing area. Since we can never hear the boy's side of the story, let's clean his name. Don't make up storries about him. Be fair

My brother told me he was famous in school because of this green sneakers. He was an active school boy. Somehow in my heart, I think if you were given the chance, you will do great things kid. Maybe god took you to save you from the world's evil.

Al-fatihah

Surprise surprise

2010-04-22T22:05:00.003+08:00

Right when I didn't expect to, caught up in weariness,
the tiresome the world created, I found you.
In the middle of tons of the urban's wilderness,
In between traffic lights, and soaring concretes,
I caught you at glimpse, yet you trance so gracefully,
You ushered me forward to the dreams I'm keen chasing,
And then a smile rushed and completed my entity.
It's your glaring eyes, with diamond-like sparkles,
It's your swift walks, how you serenade the wind,
It's your body and soul manouvering like ying-yang,
It's how you make it easy and brief,
and how you make my young veins pump ecstatically.
If I were to decide, you won't ever leave my sight.

Dear Audi TT, you made me smile in the hectic evening traffic, why do i have to see you in Subang Jaya? I will own you one day.

Im not wishing

2010-04-09T12:01:00.002+08:00

Yes, Im not wishing. These are just the list of things I want, and I aimed to get before I turn 30, which means I have a ten years duration.

Epiphone Futura, one of the explorers I obsessed on. Still want to have the jackson explorer signature series, and the PRS 25th anniversary Santana in purple.

This is the mercedes SLS AMG. I want it so bad. I need to have a mercedes. I've been obsessing over it since I was a little girl.

And this is the Mercedes R-class. I want it to be my band's official ride.

I may sound absurd and far-off lost in fairy land to you, but I really will make sure I work hard enough to own and deserve these beauties. Because someone told me yesterday, to just give it all out and to believe, and to act like a winner to be one. That's exactly what I'm going to do :)

Then you wouldn't call me a dreamer.

bag of brags

2010-04-07T22:33:00.002+08:00

I think the week has been good to me. Incase, and I know, you would hate to hear brags, well here's the thing, this is an entry full of bags of brags. Now that I've warn, do not send me hatemail if you think I'm being such a narcissist.

Come on, I think I deserve to brag. Shewolves sold out their first few copies in two days, and I made a hundred percent profit at my ice-cream booth, and I bought something fun at the pharmacy, and I scored highest in my class test, well, one of the class. And.... and.. and there's a lot of good happenings lately. But the proudest, would have to be the marks I got. Don't blame me, I was raised in a family where those percentage means a lot, it did got me well though, not that I am complaining.

Oh and did I tell you I got my full license? No more P's for me (wide smile). Yeah, and with all the good news I heard of something unfortunate that happened to a friend of mine yesterday.

She got snatched, infront of her teacher's house, well, not infront, in the house premise, She entered the gate, and the thief had a knife. Gosh, I really am glad she's okay. But take a look at this, she was snatched in a house premise. So what now? Your own yard isn't save? And not to mention the alarm was on immediately after she was attacked, but then what? I think securities should be doubled in secluded areas, lights should be installed so if ever it came to worst, atleast it's light enough to see the face of the culprit. Or maybe, they could put up a special force, ones who would react to alarms in the housing area. We need more creative idea to be safe. The bad guys are always creative, they're smart enough to figure out a way at least. I think we should figure out a way for safer place, something out of the box, something we've never thought of.

Come on, what are they thinking? You would risk killing a life for money? How do you live with that? Seriously.

Disasterous

2010-04-01T15:20:00.004+08:00

If life isn't crazy enough, or just incase you're wondering how bad your day went, take a look at mine. While I was rushing (to some unforseen circumstances, and of which my brain failed to search the reason why) bare in mind that I was driving, and attached to this sexy mercedes, and.... BAM! I hit a car, I HIT THAT RED CAR INFRONT OF ME!!! There goes my free-of-hitting-people pass. So yeah, no more car for me, yet again. The best part is, I was sipping on lime sirap, one Que gave me for sending her, and ow yeah, because I was so unlucky, somehow, the straw hit my tongue hard, and you can guess, the sting is still here up to this very last letter I'm typing. Not to sound stupid, but I thought straws were harmless. Don't you think I deserve a day of peace? Well I think I do. Yeah people, mom came to fetch me, and I think I startled so hard I could almost pee in my pants. How could I be so ignorant? All for a mercedes? That's not even mine? No more mercedes peeking for me.

Yeah well, I did forgot to mention something else,

HAPPY APRIL FOOL'S DAY PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!
(none of what was written is true, I got home safely, no hitting, and definitely not giving up on mercedes)

Enchanted

2010-03-29T22:14:00.002+08:00

Who needs the world when I have you
Everything revolves, while everything's on pause
Everything surrounds, everything ignite sparks
Everything evolves, yet nothing ever changes

Even the ferocious beast rest its desire to kill
Even the eye of a wolf lays docile and warm
Even in sullen I found solace
And all predicaments gets erased

Everything stands tall, everything flows
Everything chirps, and howl and chimes
Everything muddle, yet creating serene
Even a roar sounds perfectly fit

I ain't no poet, not trying to sound sweet
It's only rapture embracing, enchantment, enchanted.

Moon Child

2010-03-24T13:26:00.004+08:00

Finally, Shewolves has a demo and we've uploaded it on myspace.

For those of you who have never heard of us, Shewolves is a female dominated heavy metal band from Malaysia, and I really mean female dominated, the only way we're performing with a guy on stage is when one of our she wolf had an emergency. Most likely you would see us heavily influenced by other legendary female bands such as Girlschool, Vixen, and list of others. We're also heavily sedated under the sound of Motorhead and Kiss. Some of the songs we've performed includes those from the listed bands, Megadeth, Shima and the boys, and The Runaways. Check us out here for videos and our own songs:

www.myspace.com/shewolves5

Beware what stalks you in the night, Beware the Shewolves and her bites

necessities

2010-03-23T14:15:00.004+08:00

It's almost rare that you see girls going out without nothing in their palms. Almost always, they'd have a handbag of handful things, that some would say (usually guys) "why can't you leave those stuff at home? Trust us, we tried, and failed. Whatever's in our bag is a super life saver, without it, we could get asthma attack. Well, here is, out of randomness, the list of stuffs girls would usually have in their bag, and in case you're still wondering why, here's a very logic explanation to go with it.

number one. tissue. Well it's rare that I have it but my bandmate Abby always has it. Come on, we need tissues all the time. I'd usually have it in my car. Proof: my dearie claimed for tissue yesterday to wipe of his eyeliners after photoshoot. IMAGINE if there were none, you'd be wiping of shirts and skins. Very very acceptable to have tissues in bags.

number two. eyeliners and lip balms. OBVIOUS REASON: Look at the weather now. You need lip balms to avoid cracks, and oh well, it's just necessary for me to have eyeliners to avoid raccoon eyes.

number three. hairclips. I should be appreciated for carrying this mini item with me. You need it every meal, because I won't want my hair in my mouth, I want the food in my mouth. And I hereby declare, proudly, that he would almost always ask for hair clips too. So I'm not the sole to blame. I rest my case.

number four. Safety pins. You never know when you need it. In my case, I always need it before gigs, to pin bits of clothes over here and there. And come on, safety pins are weightless.

number five. paper chunks. That is never our fault. We love keeping stuff. I mean, who knows right? If you suddenly need to jot down things, Well you could use the eyeliner to write on the paper, instead of hands. I know, alright, there's technology, use the phone. But I notice it's almost all the time, when you're on the phone and someone tells you something important and you need to write it down, you'll go, "someone please take this down". What if there is no someone? Paper chunks it is.

number six. bottles of toiletries and stuffs. Some would bring perfumes, some lotions, hair serum. These are handful stuff. We could wear them at home, and leave the bottles there. But it's always better to bring some, and I mean some stuff. Like lotions. Crucial needs. And sometimes we love promoting to friends. We're just being nice. Right girls?

night lights

2010-03-20T21:39:00.003+08:00

If there is anyway to ease, I'd find myself a pair of wings.
Fly myself to see the city skyline.
Indulging the night lights and fireflies.
Watch how busy they are on their two feets,
in the night markets and the seaside
Edging tall buildings,
of which in may lay a story of another.
Then after I would fly myself,
to a red brick building, to the very top
Where as I child I used to play,
behind the bushes and the ladybugs,And I would lay my back on the grass,
and take a deep breath of the after rain,
Let it down my throat, let the brain interprets,
Put my coat on and walk the pavement.
Feel the bits and pieces in my very sole.
Go along with my feet's own desire.
Until it wears out, and takes themselves to a comfy cushion.
Behind the fire place, behind lines of glass.
Watching the skyline, from far, from my eyes
From home, from the light's embrace.

Mauve machines

2010-03-10T20:21:00.004+08:00

Because I had done all my works last week, I have lots of free time this week. So I decided to browse on my dream cars. Well ofcourse, Caddy would always, forever be part of it. But here are just the new additions.

Audi TT. Alright fine, I have whino to thank. He introduced to me this car. I discovered purple :)
Well, but he's seen it on the road. And I haven't. Why him? Why not me ? I'm the super freak purple loverT_T Probably because I might get too excited I would hit the car, or stalk it.

And this is the most recent addition.
Lotus.

Of a week

2010-03-06T01:25:00.002+08:00

This week is like compressed gas in the smallest tank you could ever imagine, placed in the highest temperature possible. This week is explosive suicide. This week is everyday assignments, meaning, clipped eyes on the laptop, googling and yahoo-ing researches and copying sources, eccetera. Group meetings, classes, which is non-avoidable. Fine, maybe I could, but informations are crucial here. Then there's renewing my license, which brought me to waking up at 0730 with maximum 5hours of sleep, mark that down, MAXIMUM. Usually it's less, considering I always take time constructing dreams and rummaging my mp3 lists. Then there's guitar practice, which I try to squeeze in everyday and band practice which is also a wee-bit above danger line. Since my foxy drummer had to work, we had to train a new one to replace her on this Sunday's gig and I missed yesterday's practice because my license's dead and I was dead, energetically.Is that a word? Well but everything better than nice requires hard work right? So I'm gonna go for it. Besides, I know I have my trampouline to land on :)

Blanked

2010-02-26T23:15:00.003+08:00

Temptation to write, clean cut to the core. Which is clearly what this thing is about. But on what, never figured. Things happen, but putting every thing into words is a task I think I want to do with enthusiast. And the only thing I'd say now is that there's a jolt of pain in the back of my head. No, not pain, feels like the skin's been plastered, tampered with million of tiny glasses, residing as if my skin's a cosy little cottage.

By doing this too I realise that to write, music influence me. Literally. Whatever I listen to sets the mood. Eerie tracks for goosebump paragraphs, although really, scary isn't me. Never really will it be. And it's bad enough that depressant tracks pulls me in deeper. Like more words pop out everytime a track like such is played. If it's drug, than barbiturates would have set me in the mood. Please let me make it clear, I am never attracted to pills, liquid, anything of similar sort. Go on snort infront of me, get high, cut loose, I would still sit there in my corner heavily sedated in my own self-enhanced world. Seriously, drugs just aren't seductive to me.

It's as if I feed on dead tracks to keep me pumping, and I dont mean goth. I just mean pumping in every way. Good. Bad, every feeling possible. Love perhaps. Definitely do have different songs for that kind of feeling. Oh well. I guess different songs do produce different vibes.

seven sins

2010-02-16T14:52:00.003+08:00

Slept late. Just for the sake of passing daylight. For the ability to get squeezed in the comfort of cushions. Getting immersed in sloth, toiled in lust, indulging greed. And who would thought a combination of those deadly sins would ever be such a treat. It always has been. Only humanity chose hypocrisy, to make them sound holy. Admitting that we are at times just one of those gluttonous beast is horrific enough. But just for the day, letting oneself to be consumed by such event is good. And who would have thought, a lifeless soul could do great deeds. They never gave the chance. Because someone from down below can never be given a high gratitude. So why bother making it? Because having pride feels good, and pride don't lose. And the only worse feeling to ever occur through the journey is envy, one that makes a restless night, one that holds evil in it's palm. One that creates a wrath master.

But just for the day, just for the day, admitting that we somehow like those guilty pleasures feels good.
makes us aware that we are just human. Mere humans.

Hand in Hand

2010-02-14T20:34:00.005+08:00

These are a few of my favourite video that shows union of love and binding powers in lending helps through voices and talents. These are a few videos that shows well-known people cooperating to spread good messages. This is love at work.

USA for AFRICA

An attempt in showing how Malaysian are one

Made by Malaysian Artists for Unity. I think the organization itself tells of how Malaysian should never discriminate races, languages and skin colour.

Shou Qian Shou or hand in hand when translated were sang by Taiwanese artists during the SARS breakout.

we are the world
this time this song is dedicated specially for Haiti.

I wish to be part of this kind of work some day.

Spreading love

2010-02-13T13:23:00.012+08:00

On this Valentine's day, I've discovered something far better to do, and it's not about celebrating it with him. Well yes I do love him, but that's the whole point. Why do I need a day, which is originally meant to celebrate another guy's action which is non- associated with any of my life hole, to celebrate my love, our love? That should be done on anniversaries, better yet, everyday. Because "I love you" is something I say everyday, and something I feel in every breath, not something to do only on the 14th.

But there is something though, something love-related, but something that is somewhat rare, and due to life, we usually never have the time to stop and think about it. Love-spread. It's what we usually forget, because most of us would think love would only be intimacy, relationship of two of a kind. But we seem to somehow forget that love is just a big journey on it's own.

Love for people, we somehow never take it serious. Since the 14th is said to be the day of love (although seriously, if you read the history it's absurd how it turned into such a marvelous celebration of cupid's love), why don't we share our love and give it to the people across the ocean. Haiti, Palestine, war-torn countries with human struggling to stay alive, disaster survivors at deep loss of hopes and strength and even loved ones.

To me the world is inter-connected. We are par. There's only those of kindness and those of tormented souls. And having to be lucky ( yes we are lucky, atleast we are in the very front of technology) we should give. Give to those in need. Might be as small as a cent, but it still counts. Besides there's no loss in giving, you're only making it better, either for yourself or for the people.

On this love-celebration day, let's send our love to the world. Let's share it. let's sign it with what we can afford, and seal it with love. Than let's deliver it with joy and a new hope. Let's be part of a new world without borders and discrimination. Let's make the world a better place :)

When I was little

2010-02-07T21:03:00.003+08:00

When I was little I used to own a teddy, and he was green. Knowing that I grow up into liking purple, I am no longer in talking terms with teddy. I think he's been laid in the toy dumpster along with fluffy kitty (one that I remembered colouring the inside of it's ears with red markers) my baby doll that literally looks like a toddler but no blinking eyes (blinking eyes are pure evil, they're created to give little ones... and adults nightmares) and together with the rest of my brother's semi-detached, multi-sized, PVC lorries.

When I was little I believe unicorns exists, fairies are real and they do make wonders, and ponies have colourful bodies and graceful trots. As my body and mind took it's toll of reaching teenage-hood, I found out they were all bogus. But as sly as it sounds, I still like the imaginary fairies and ponies.

When I was little I thought the clouds were cotton candy, and that Hercules and Zeus lived there and dreamt I'd build a tiny cottage up on one of those fluffy clouds. And now that I attended science class, I learn that clouds are just cumulation of water droplets. It's my first disappointment in life before the many that came after it.

When I was little I always drink out of a bicker and sleep with my stinky bolster. I drink normal now, on a side-handled mug, or glass, or any kind of inventions meant for adults. However, my stinky bolster goes to sleep with me almost every night, and as horrid as it may sound, im not ashamed of it? gosh, i sound super creepy now.

When I was little, I sulk a lot, and get grumpy when things don't go my way. Now that I'm grown up I still like things to go my way, but I've learned to comprehend with people and surrounding, and to manipulate every sadistic event to be good. I've actually learned to see the very little silver lining in every stormy weather.

When I was little I wanted to be like Spice Girls. I was head over heals for Hanson and The Moffats, which is just another portrayal of my preferences towards long-haired guys. Now that Im 20, I have an addiction for heavy metal, I even play in an all girls band by the name of Shewolves, and if you've seen me around, you'd probably notice that my preferences hasn't completely change at all, a little wilder maybe.

When I was little I wished I was 20 fast so that I could wear fancy clothes, drive, maybe get involve in some romance and do whatever I want without anyone older having the authority to say no and struggle so hard every time they carry me like a little cat while I was on my tantrums. Now that I am all the things I wished when I was little, I somehow wish I could be little again because having no one to tell you what to do sometimes makes you lost, and having so many options are petty and that the severe damage of making a mistake is on me and my own shoulder. Being an adult is good, but being little is a bliss.

And as far as I could reflect, I'd still say being little and rebellious without nobody taking it as a serious offense is really good, but hey, we could only grow, and sugar-coats deteriorate. Well anyway, here's something from my childhood memory:

don't tell me they don't bring back your childhood memories too ;P

nonsensical beau

2010-02-02T23:03:00.003+08:00

There are no rules in love. There's no exact reason in being so too. The only thing I'm only capable of explaining is,

that I'm not and can't be opaque to you
that you're my kryptonite
that when times feels like it's absurd, there's always sense in you.
And when sense lost it's way, there's always rays in you eyes,
that projects the chained words in you heart chambers.
That when silence approach, miracles preach,
in the most ridiculous way, yet a homicide for loath.
that when there are no good reasons at all,
there's always space for the beast to transform to beauty.

nonsensical
is norm.

phobia phillia

2010-01-27T21:57:00.010+08:00

My fatigue continues from yesterday night up to today. Note that yesterday's was acceptable and note that yesterday I was in a delirium state. Positively. Sitting in a guitar store for "Happy 26" for three hours playing all the expensive guitars? If I was three still, that would be my favourite playground.

Well I guess the picture tells of my overrated youth.

Today, I'm lethargic. Request to land my assignments, rejected. Mind says, "beat it girl, I'm not inspired nor am I driven. not today yet." Playing Harry Potter on PSP, let's just say I don't know how to get pass the very last obstacle of the task. yet. So I decided to do some brain feeding, since every social networks are starting to appear less luminous. Found this website, smart.fm. It's a game to improve your vocabulary. With rare words. Wicked. I advice you to play, because it's fun and it is a boredom savior.A few seconds gap then, I started googling for others and accidentally found these weird, funny phobias and phillias. Top favourite:

parthenophobia -fear of virgins. grotesque enough if you ask me. hah!
pentheraphobia - fear of mother-in-laws. sounds more like panther.
porphyrophobia -ironically it means fear of purple. WHO DOES THAT? purple is enigmatic. Im a porphyrophillia person. I just made that. Phillia means love basically.
gynotikolobomassophilia - a love for nibbling on women's earlobe. I didn't know the term existed.

Basically once you change phobia to phillia, fear becomes love. Now I'm feeling shrewd. Here's another one- finaphillia. By all means, if it really is necessary to enhance the meaning, love for Fina. or if that's too much, try this:-

lobaphobia.
Fear of shewolves.
In a way, loba is spanish. not scientific. Lupus is scientific. Canis Lupus.

Indulge :)

Strut it

2010-01-20T19:05:00.004+08:00

The way people dress is never really a big deal. As long as they dress appropriately. Ofcourse it would be weird if you wear bikinis to college. NOW THAT IS WEIRD. If it's only people who happens to be strutting styles different than you but nevertheless still applicable for public institutions, than that is life. Plus college says it's okay as long as it's within the rules. Sandals, boots, sneakers they're all shoes. Dress, torn jeans, studded belts, skirts, vest, thery're all clothing. and they are accepted in all places. Well, unless it highlights there it don't. Red lipsticks, dramatic eyeshadow, cherry blushers they're all make ups and college never say make up is prohibited. If you want to look like a drag queen so be it, it really is your choice. Plus, being a student in my college for two years now, I am totally aware that the way we dress are diverse, and the students make the college looks like a game of fashion. It really is that way and it looks good that way, brings out the life. So seriously, comparing high school and college is a big no-no. Who does that? Ofcourse it's a big difference. If you want it to be the same, opt for STPM. It's a better option if you love criticizing people so much. Hay-down, sooner you'd still have to face the fact that individuals are plain different and unique. The way they dress more or less tells a story of themselves. It's not the public's fault if you're life's a bore despite being rich. Wait, most private college students, do come from rich families. So there. Criticizing people's way of defining themselves will never make you look more civilized or smarter. Seriously, those crazy smart people with brains the size of tank, don't care about how they look. So why criticize? It does make you look cool...if you're a fashion police who has been in the industry several years. Since you're not,

stop judging and start accepting.

I am a normal college scene
Welcome to college ex-highschool-er.

Turndown

2010-01-19T22:01:00.008+08:00

I am pretty much excited on doing everything. Yes, I have set my goal that high and my energy at maximum storage and my spirit, they are soaring. Last evening, I was practically counting seconds to reach home after college. First on mind, guitar. I wanted to practice so bad on my scales and getting it improved.So got everything settled, plugged in and went to hit the lights. Lights-out, dead fluorescent. Perfect timing. Yes I depended on mom's table lamp which gives the worst headache. Then decided it's annoying enough and went for my photo assignments. Searching photos on the internet- I had fun, going through pictures of bands and everything I can relate to heavy metal, music. Today, decided to give a head start on mass comm assignment, magazine articles. Went to Revolver, only to realise there's lots of interviews, but none suitable enough to summarize and make use in my assignments. So guess I'd have to hit the bookstores tomorrow, or maybe just rummage through my pile of old magazines. So much for wanting a head start. As lot articles as there is, I still stand by my tight jeans and torn shirts which says, "Im a heavy metal head". And so my assignments would represent them as much possible :)My photo assignment is going, on limitations. My camera is between basic and advanced it just don't have both the basic features and the advanced one that I need to complete them. Also need to borrow a DSLR for another assignment. Talk about time management, they just won't let me.

At par and sharing

2010-01-12T18:19:00.008+08:00

PART I

Human should respect each other and there's a way to talk to people and there's right, decent way to warn.Do it right, and you'd be surprise at the outcome. Also, it's just the fact that we live under the same sun, the same sky, and evidently inhale on each other's breath. People should be treated at par and given the same chance to shine and grind. Because we all fall, and we all stand tall, and we don't want to be blamed by others for their lost. I'm not serving mankind, they can never be served. Not without drowning in the storm of the seven sins. No, I'm just serving myself. That and my responsibilities, and the loved ones dear to me.

PART II

Here are some quotes I like from a few songs I've heard, some of them really whack the hell out of me. Geniuses are they.

"When you're high you never ever wanna come down" - Guns n Roses, Welcome to the Jungle

"Why can't I steer the ship before it hits the storm, I've fallen into the sea but still I swim for shore" -Skid Row, In a Darkened Room

"Before you tell yourself it's just a different scene, remember it's just different from what you've seen" - Stone Sour, Through the Glass

"If you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make that change" -Micheal Jackson, Man in the Mirror

"You don't have money or a fancy car and you're tired of wishin' on a falling star, you gotta put your faith in a loud guitar" - KISS, God Gave Rock n Roll to you

The last one, has got to be

"Beware what stalks you in the night, beware the she wolf and her bites"
-Megadeth, She wolf
XP

Currents

2010-01-11T23:23:00.002+08:00

Currently having my ears bandaged in headphones, thumping to these:

MEANSTREAK

MALTEZE

And while doing that, am trying out for a new song for Shewolves. Send me some inspiration, send me in the wilderness. Send me in for the hunt.

troubles tails

2010-01-10T14:24:00.004+08:00

Oh, troubles just love Shewolves. When we were about to record and finally nail down the date for studio, it went pretty occupied. Which just means another delay. And I was psyched out about it from last week. Shewolves and obstacles, sticks like a glue. So incase you think we're a bunch of monkeys. Think again. We are dead serious, but last time, last year, recording got delayed because there was bussiness talk involved. And we succeeded playing Houdini and escaped. This year, we just have clashing schedules and there's not much time for meeting and when we could actually gather, there were just no vacancy. Last night it was the bashing. Oh if this is ever over, god you've got to make sure we make it well. 2010, not a good start. But we'll see what the rest of the year brings. OH and I haven't stop cursing just yet

Old and Wild

2010-01-07T21:58:00.007+08:00

Since college decided to reopen a week later than I thought, I had plenty of time to browse through bands and rediscovering records I had left dusty in my brain wicked tunes storage. So here goes my list of current band I've reloaded to my eardrums, and needless to say they're nothing new, they're as a fact some old 80's recordings which by far are still wild.

Iron Maiden.
(gotta love 'em they're the shit)
Motley Crue

Phantom Blue
(these women kick balls)

Motorhead

Skid Row

I can never grew tired of any of these people. Although as for now my song lists would've been those of Helloween, Crashdiet and Faster Pussycat. Well most of the songs are, I could list more but that would go a long way. And hey, who could ever forget this:

Who could ever forget these boys during their youth.

P/s: If you don't like any of them, then I'm sorry we just live in a total alienated world

Resolution

2010-01-02T00:08:00.002+08:00

HAPPY SMASHIN 2010 PEOPLE!

Yes it's finally it. Well I realised that I've spent the whole first day of the year in bed. Feeling bummed, and suffering from heavy eyes disease. The dark actually attracts me more then the bright light. And as for new year's eve, I didn't get to spend it with my wolves. Which is quite sad. But nevertheless it was fun. This year's celebration, to me is far better than last years'.

Oh well 2009, thank you for the good stuff.

As for resolutions, I'm not going to make one. My only deal is to graduate. And to take my wolves far ahead. Far as possible. Im not putting lines or expectations. I think that would be my new year's resolution. To not have borders and expectations. But to just work as hard for everything related to me, for my music, for life. Yeah, I'll push it all out limitless, and won't decide the prize. I'd leave that to my strength and anticipation. It's more fun to live that way. I will for sure be better, but yeah we all know hassles like burning up a high spirit and that there are never smooth roads. But I've decided to put myself up to tests and be content for long as I can.

As for tonight, Im just tuning into Skid Row and every song related to the theme of living life.

Hunt

2009-12-22T23:42:00.003+08:00

to have walked and to walk never really bares the same feeling. to have been through and to go through would always differ in a big way. The path will always gets tougher, more ragged edge and feisty thorns, hidden claws and hungry cats. Trust I know, for big things to happen, big obstacles will lay between them. But faith and strength don't come together. They don't grow together, they're built, and sometimes they shatter and collect ones individual self again. Sometimes insanity visits, doing what it knows best, being the moss in the once clear river. Just sometimes, it's the moss that makes it look beautiful, giving out it's crystal gleam, but most of the time human despise them, for the beast they made out of pretty river. Most of the time, they use shortcuts, toxic sounds good, toxic sounds fast, toxic kills everything. Yet not many of us see. There is no shortcuts. Not to the good things. And I would want to go through it fast. But that would just mean I'd have to put on my boots and sneak in a little bit of strength every now and then and just walk faster. Wolves run fast. Wolves howl to let themselves know they're alive. Wolves hunt and they don't quit. It's the only way they know how to survive. It's the only way human knows.

The Rising Sun

2009-12-17T14:01:00.006+08:00

meet my mini snowman. Did it with my siblings.

It's been three days since my arrival back home. Attempted to blog on Japan yesterday but ended up deleting it since I read what I wrote with a heavy heart. I am my own critic. Thought of making five blogs on Japan, one for each day but I think the words abandoned the bus from Mount Fuji just because they didn't want me to write. Obviously, I've lost interest in writing about it. Not that it wasn't fun. Too fun until I jumbled up on every explanation there is.

Japan wasn't as cold when I arrived. Or maybe it was my lack of sensory organs at work since I did not get my intentioned sleep. But Universal Studio did wake me up. Especially the Spiderman ride. No, it ain't no ordinary kids ride. Brief explanation, did you watch Spiderman II? Where the sandman or venom uses the school bus as the bait? It actually feels like that. Like I'm on of the kids in the school bus. Except there's more villains pointing they're trademark attacks and you actually feel the heat of the fire and the water splash, and the fireball, they shoot straight towards you. If only you weren't dragged away by the guy's web, it actually feels like hello grave. And the web dragging, it's feels exactly like web swinging. I felt like I'm stuck in some superhero act which is super cool except for the part where the monster let us fall from an 80 storey building (maybe more) and all you could see was the fountain below and the building you're falling from. Thank god for web, yet again. So Spiderman saved me >.< it is that way.

It was six and dark when we reached the first hotel. If love hotel was said to be beautiful and romantic, this hotel would fall on second place. Did I tell you? the toilets have seat warmer. and you know the Japanese they like backscrubs? The bathroom was made to have one, with basins and scrub towels. And the shampoos and fash wash, was Shiseido branded. Finally, after two days of sleep deprivation, I got my hot tub bath and a good night sleep. Second day to me is okay. I like the scenery we were visiting but too many temples are really not necessary for me. I'd say only the first one's a must since that's when I got a glimpse of a small shop in many shop lines selling Hide's item. Yeup, for a fan I took a long time wandering which ones of them I were to buy. I mean, it couldn't be much a difference they're all Hide's but it's hard to choose one when you want them all. Drag myself into a music store. Found X-Japan's cd but I can't seem to find Show-Ya's.

So third was a visit to Mount Fuji with a brief stop at the volcano. You reach top, it smells like stale egg refrigerated for a week. They did do the egg bussiness up there. You see, the Japanese believe if you eat one egg that's cooked in the steamy water of the volcano, you won yourself seven years to live. Then we went snow fighting on Mount Fuji. Guess what? I get the snow thrown on top of my head, and practically I was bullied :P but that's okay cause I had fun.

At night there were the onsen, we dressed ourselves with Yukata for dinner (which includes the big crab legs) and went straight for onsen. Additional fact, nobody's allowed to wear any material on their skin. So you're a hundred percent naked. Don't get too excited. Boys see boys and girls see girls. No crossing. The outdoor onsen, is as beautiful as heaven, very refreshing too. Imagine diving in a 41degree water when the temprature on land is negative one. I would take picture but I'm just not the one that would post nude photos online.

I think the fourth day was the three hours ride on the bus and a fifteen minutes ride on the bullet train. Bullet train-very fast. Everytime another train went by, it's like a rush of air and that was it. It's like your mind lag information sending when they're functioning just as they should be. Went to Ginza which to me is like Park Avenue. Five-storey buildings of Channel and Louis Vuitton and every other high-class brand you can think of. Oh there's this one fact I forgot, there's no bike in Japan except for those big ones. Those super bikes and Harley are probably the only ones of it's kind to roam the street, or atleast the city streets. And they've got hot rides parked by the sideways like it's some kind of cheap car. The parking-elevated most of it. Not the ones you'd see in here. My Audi TT is everywhere! Hey and the fuel station, the tube it hangs from the ceiling. Very amusing to me, atleast =D

Last day there was Disneyland. I think I liked Universal Studio more than Disneyland. We were there from eight to five but I think I only took on 5 rides. Because the queue was approximately an hour. For each ride. And I hate fast pass, they make us on stand-by wait longer. Some how out of all the rides my favourite was Micro adventure. I got shrunked and they make you feel that way. Kinda thrilling.

Yeah, then there was the flight home. I would do more of explanation. But I have no idea how to sort them out.

They burn

2009-11-25T20:15:00.004+08:00

Eve of my birthday. Infact I'm insane enough to know what's going to happen. If insanity had levels, mine is the line where I could lie on the parquet going round and round and run my fingers through my just ironed hair and smile alone and laugh like a hyena before getting sober and doing the same routine over and over and over again. That's how nervous I am. I don't care if you're thinking, what's with this girl it's her 19th time of celebrating her first day out of the womb. This just feels different.

Likewise, November plays a good game on me. I've been sad and jubilant and down and high and most recently I was feeling pathetic and enraged. Lets start with the main motive of the boiling, steamy, blood pressure that is overpowering my excitement. I am going to be considered a super junior, starting my first semester, taking all the things a junior is suppose to, next semester. Which means, hello another two years (hopefully less) of college when I could've graduated next year.

To untwine your confusion, let's just say I am no longer a music student, despite my attempt on not giving up on it, I just had to. I know music is tough bussiness, but I learned the hard way and the long way, that in my college, classicism is a racial bussiness. If you aint white enough and your eyes dont lean so much away from the side of your face, then kiss goodbye to straight As. I didn't even sign up for classical music. I would get it if I were in Berkeley taking jazz but the cold hard fact is, I sign up for music. It's a very general term. Plus, they don't have enough practical so I'd end up a loser anyway. So I decided, rather than wasting my time of who-knows-how-many-more-years-I-have-to-stay-and-pay, I'd just sign up for a new programme. One I know I can nail.

So my present mass comm juniors, Tilt your head high, I am your junior now. Well, I wanted to be in journalism specifically. I love writing. The idea flows when I put my hand on something, and the ideas flows rapidly when I'm in vain and pain. So I think problems will just make me go faster. But the only way to do so is by taking mass comm first. I checked the subjects and tried to cramp in as many as I can in one semester. Did the calculations, and if I pass everything accordingly 2 years is enough to even graduate. (please note that this timeline is just the same if I continue music, but less promising if I continue so). Oh and if you have doubt that I can do well in mass comm, Ask my dinasour. He knows what I did in the mass comm department for the last two years and he's seen my capability. It even feels like Im the unregistered student who came to class and did presentations. :P

By telling this I am still cursing silently on the wasted TWO YEARS OF MY TEEN LIFE. It's like I could've just go out and make music at home or work for that fact then only start my diploma course next year. This still sucks but I'll get over it. Oh and by the way, FORMER music department, you just won yourself a stale name. Please please take time to look that music is NOT theory based. It's an art and it comes from within, although theory is equally important. Theory even doesnt discriminate colours and origin so why should you? You're not the inventor of music neither are you the great composer in history.

So you now my downturn. Such a dissapointment. Luckily I am surrounded by good people with big hearts and are very wide minded. Okay so this happened yesterday. Well it started a few weeks back. Oh well.

Bright side, I grew closer with my wolves. We even dine together and went shopping. I see them everyday since last week and I kind of miss it when I'm not with them. Call it lesbians or those cliquish term you want, they're my sisters and that's how much I love them. We don't do what most girls do. We rock on our instuments at days and went crazy and laugh every night. I mean really crazy that none of our conversation makes any sense but we can still feel the need to laugh. We even proposed a tour on a black tank lorry and roll over every person to the name of addiction. But still we have a special list for those we despise. Be nice to us, we really do bite :P Yes, we have gone completely wild. And if you've been to Metal Kapak, our most recent gig, and seen how we dress and play, that's how it will be from now on. Keep expecting more because we are working our ass off for more. There'll be no more cold feet on stage and no more expected looks. No more same old songs and hopefully our playing will be tighter in time.

Ofcourse dinasour has never been out of my life, but I told you. What happens between us, stays between us. No need for extra media cover. Press always kills a relationship. It's Shewolves I'll be talking more about on here. The more you hear about us, the better :) Oh and hey, light up a candle already, it's going to be my birthday you know ;)

birthday wishlist

2009-11-13T15:04:00.002+08:00

And I will therefore reveal all my wishes upon you ;P

An explorer
The Purple Cadillac
Audi TT
A leather jacket
Studded belt
Studded bag
A good ol' bubble bath(with loads of foam and a rubber duck)
purple leopard print purse
studded gladiator heals
lots of bangles
a getaway to the beach
jackass-ing all night

Well there, they aren't as hard to fulfill. My birthday's coming. Hope it's gonna be better than last year's. Please note though that the last wish will be fulfilled at all cost.

brief diary

2009-11-05T16:40:00.003+08:00

November it is...
the countdown now begins. To my birthday, and recording, and a lot of things I've been looking forward too. Though I don't plan of giving up all my hopes to those. For these past times thinking, I've decided, no personal story of my love life would be written on blog. I've noticed it has gained more viewers and comrades than it should have. And I mean this in a negative way. So whatever happens between me and him, will not be displayed in any style, form, art in here. Well, maybe a little. The part where I express my thankful being and such. However I'll be talking about my other love instead. The one that could really use the publicity. Shewolves. For a start, we are going back to ground zero and decided not to depend on our 'sponsor slash mentor'. We are raising money for Southeast Skies recording and hopefully another new track as well. So yeah, those who have been with us, we thank you. If no other obstacles occur and everything runs smooth, we will release it by the end of the year hopefully. Please bare.

Keep on rockin'

2009-10-23T21:34:00.002+08:00

She sat in that bunk bed thinking about her future. Yes I am thinking. If only I can skip steps and atleast have my sneak preview of my future self. Will I successfully survive or oh well, just survive. There's so many things I wish I could have but yeah they're like super-glued to some treasure chest and buried in some dead spot-where the only map they have to guide me there is being squeezed into yet some random bottle and thrown into the sea of people and misfortunes and obstacles. So yeah, Life's tougher than I thought. And the older I grow the scarier it gets. Scared I would stumble and not find my strength to get up and go on. But occasionally, more like miraculously, I eventually will. In some way. Yes, I do believe in a very transparent guarding wings or supernova- I just think it sound more convincing and grotesque, though I don't know in what sense. So my current issue is-redefining myself and reconcile what I forgot. It's like the fun, bright me has been sucked out of my body-skintight. But I am still sane and fun, I'm just refilling the ones that got sucked out. And that's a lot of positive energy. So dear miss Afina, party on. After all it's all sex, drugs and Rock n roll aint it? hah, but I would skip the drugging part and keep on rockin like a child who just got his first perfect solo. Live and on stage.

Quick review

2009-10-09T16:09:00.002+08:00

Time grows shorter and the work gets tenser. Exam's a month due, and I am still moving slow on my jazz chords solo song for my major exam. Truthfully, I really hope I would be hard-working enough and focused much to have my fingers running at all, well most fractions of time. (P/s: Dinasour, please feel free to tell me to practice ^.^)

Assignment's are due next week and none research has been done. Currently taking power break because my head are suffering concussions. Caused by the urge to put Shewolves's influence in an all-new punk rock song that has been given. Don't ask, just know that we are not changing genre and the song is being polished and mend as hard as possible, The outcome would be a hundred percent wolves. Definitely original.

Planning to continue my sleep, didn't get enough just yet. Guitar calls for practice and I need to ensure Shewolves's song's on the back of my fingertip. While doing this, I am thinking of a way to help us improve ourselves especially me. Yes I am lacking a lot of undeveloped skills, which I should've mastered by now. And also which I blame myself for. Need to be more serious.

Spent time with Dinasour until morning. I love being around him. Talked about our dreams and yeah, I love how he always helps me to untangle those mess which are widely better known as dreams-obstacle. Thank you baby, I love you always.

Yes, and in case you read this before Sunday 11th, come over to Bentley Damansara and watch us howl :)
Shewolves is performing at 3 and the greater bands will come short after :)

Wolves on the hunt

2009-09-30T20:28:00.003+08:00

Okay so you get the message. spread the words. Shewolves wants you.

Bonds

2009-09-26T23:27:00.004+08:00

A day out with cousins has always been my favourite. Yeah, me, my sister, Ija and Sara went with the heels and dress theme to One Utama yet again. I'm driving this time so it's pretty different from our previous outings. And there were the craves, and temptations for (read as fast as you can) Gladiators, Heels, more heels, a bag I wanted to replace the existing, tones of dresses, BIKINI, which I want for no reason at all, the lingeries, accesories- from earings to beads and plain nothingness, t-shirts, jeans. Owh, and the emergency case of super glue to mend our heels. My feet are badly in need of rest.

But it was fun, the only thing we were lacking were money and time. There were the gossips and the talking and the mind reading that says "I saw what you saw but I saw it first so I own it" -in a friendly manner and absolutely zero heart scratch. I enjoyed it much. Very much. Isn't it a breeze to see how much we have grown, and how our bonds grow with it. I would trade them for nothing, nothing at all. I realise I have deeply fallen in love with these angels, and they are never worth my tears. Because I would never want to or have to cry for them-over them. How I caress myself, that would be the only way I would caress them. They came up with a story.

Wouldn't it be fun if we live next to each other and we could borrow stuffs and give them back any time of day. And would pack our bags and leave when we fight...stop... we never fought. We don't feel it's worthy as the love we build. And that's how we live. That's how we know how we care about each other. Yes, I am glad I have all of you as my family. Much love :)

P/S: Send me photos please those who have it :D

Eid 09

2009-09-24T01:02:00.010+08:00

Eid again. Since it's raya, I'm going to blog in Malay. Setahun skali je. And first time ever on blogspot kot :P

RAYA EVE
Raya best gile!!!!! On raya eve, we, the girls... (comprising me, mama, teefa, Ija, Sara, mak lang, ucu n nenek) were all day in kitchen. Sarah masak rendang...(while complaining about minyak terpercik terpercik) ija... oh Ija lari to KLCC. Nenek mesti lah iron chef kan. Tukang command. Me and mama were doing our ultimate raya sandwich cake. Every raya mesti ade. U guys kne datang rumah rase. Sini je ade, orang lain xde. hehe. Oh and nenek made lodeh just for me. haha. bangge gile. nenek risau sangat orang ni makan tu, xmakan ni... semue die ingat. Wahh.. nenek you're the best cook no doubt. Rendang ngan lemang orang meniaga sebelah tu pon kalah :P (betul orang sblh bg rendang, none of us makan. haha. ok fine, cuit sikit). And I kne marah..

Sarah: potong la cantik2 nnt nenek marah.
maklang: potong lurus2...
mama: potong kecik sikit, macam ni. xpayah cantik2 nak makan pon
me: ha? macam ni ok?
(bile dah siap potong carrot)
nenek: EH KNAPE BESAR SGT NI? XCANTIK LA LODEH NENEK
sara: ha kn da ckp nenek nk cantik2. haha
and so fina decided to only focus on the cake dan hal yang tak melibatkan potong memotong.

lesson to learn: to many cook spoils the broth

Okay so all of us were very exhausted that night and me and ija had an early sleep. so whatever happens lepas tu kitorang xtaw la. but I know they ate the cheese cake ucu bought.

RAYA
anak2 dare siap je dah lebih dari 2 jam. Pak ngah and co. dah smpi since subuh lg. haha. lambat gile kitorang. And it's sad that I left my iron at home, so rambut hari raya... not straight, thank god I had it cut. And ofcourse it's a tradition in this family (this starts since Pak ucu ade canon) to have family photos. Tahun ni xde gambar Haji Nasir and co. la. Pak ucu xbuat self-timer. lol. so yeah... Indulge lah gambar-gambar ni

Meet atok and nenek. They're marriage ages 52... comel lg diorang ni. Bukak puase pon nk due2 je... xnk join kitorang :D

Meet mr. photographer, Pak ucu and his family. Ignore Aliff (the boy in blue). Die memang hyper hari2 yang ramai orang :)

This is Pak Ngah's family. Diorang paling awal bangun. Subuh2 dah sampai. Right trisha?

Meet Mak Lang and her kids. Yes, she weighs less then me. I think

And Here's Mak long's family. My family. We go along with the 'Go Green' campaign. aha.

Yeah, and Here are the grandaughters of Haji Nasir. Sorry Aina you takde. You sampai lambat la..

Okay so then we all went to sungai tua. Dulu unyang ade kat situ... and then we part ways to meet the rest of family friends and saudara mara before meeting back at Ulu kelang. Except pak ngah they went back to Kuantan. The next day was a stay-at-home layan tetamu day. Sampai malam. Me and Ija tibe2 ketagih nak makan Ikan kerisi sambal, kesian time kitorang nak makan je dah tinggal sikit gile. Kitorang macam anak kucing tak makan seminggu. Sarah tido sampai malam sebab sakit perut.(Be reminded here die tak mandi dr pagi :P)

Okay so the next day we went back after going to nek ucu's open house. Somewhere near Bangi.. Because after that dad went to visit his friend/cousin (im not sure) in Bangi. haha. Siap boleh sembahyang kat surau seksyen 3 lagi. ade satu rumah lawa on the way. hee.

So today was Shah Alam's house visiting day. So we went to ours, nek andak's and nek teh.And then raya di SACC. Pastu sesat One Utama. Gare2 nak cari prom dress tifa. Which she found and costs more then any dress/leggings/jeans/shirts i ever bought. RM300???!!!! Takpe my future's bright, I can see me borrowing the dress. hehe. Lepas ni boleh mintak mama sponsor my leather pulak lah. hehe. Pastu makan kt Fish &Co. I think my newly gained weight of 38.5 tu dah naik balik jadi 40 kot. or more. Err, actually before I started writing i have this thick funny incidents tapi dah gelak sendiri dah lupe dah which one's which :P Next time maybe.

Oh here's one last photo of me, tifa, sara and ija before zooming to One Utama with aunties. You can't see the face but I still love this photo

Yeah, thare is one major dissapointment this raya. WE didn't get to see THEM whom we seem to seek each and every raya. Where have you guys been hiding? It's not like we see you everyday. Cari kat Lim Kok Wing nnt. haha. No serious, aren't you gonna come see us or let us come see you like you guys did every raya? Betul tak Sarah? haha.

Aftermath

2009-09-11T16:45:00.006+08:00

After two years of blogging, this is finally my 100th post. When actually, I've typed in more. But they got rejected by my dashboard and some stays unpublished to my liking. Life has been a breeze.

And to celebrate this episode of peace comes exhaling the rusted coil that has long separate the beauty of life, I cast rejoice to the love that finally won the war.

I put a totem, for the petals that fell dead will remain memories of the new-birth and be reborn.

And the scars that marks itself eternally, will be a reminder of the cause.

And the enemies bound like parasites will never be neglected but marks as hazardous to the healing soldiers.

And I present the rest to the undertaker, to bury the sorrow and fears before the sun sits down upon its knees.

I vow my prayers. And hope He knows my appreciation and apology.

Apology, for I once neglect the creator, when He never neglects his creation.

And the everlasting celebration, before more battles and rage shows, will be faced with courage at heart, and help from above.

And suffering at stake before savouring nirvana, is the only right way to live and to not take it for granted.

Dawn of a new day

2009-09-07T12:06:00.003+08:00

And every life starts when you open your eyes so early in the morning. Well I woke up a few minutes before afternoon. But I slept at 5 so it wasn't that bad. Then had a slight heart attack. blame my fingers for so-oh-willingly clicking that web page and getting drowned in excessive, unneeded deteriorated feelings. Resentment. But hey, it's only a beginning right? And I had my share of life and that talk I never thought I would get the chance to have. So everything is fine with me. And I believe more than everything now that god is being fair to those who are being patient and never gives up one's hope on Him. And my friends are being the pillar I need to stand still, to never push me aside and always making space for me. So I am thankful, that life has its fair agenda on me. And I know we have to make the best out of anything given. So life chose to give me a setback. And if the only thing I could do is patiently penetrate it, then I would give my best so. And since time can't be bent, then let it be mend. I would stitch it into a fine thing that will give a future helping hand. I learned, and still am. And the present tells me enough fact the life is beautiful. Embrace it, and it will give it's gift to you.

Manuscripts

2009-09-04T00:36:00.002+08:00

1. A song you never get bored of:
Velvet Revolver's Slither. It pumps your adrenaline way to the tip of your brain and makes it goes down like a roller coaster in you vein. I like the part where we can scream, "HEY!"

2. A song you listen most to at the moment.
Humanity. Because the world really needs more love. Seriously, random wars shouldn't exist and the innocent deserve their right to live and do their deeds.

3. Your theme song.
For the moment it would be, Girls Made Of Heavy Metal by Hysterica. I'm a proud supporter of all-girls band. Especially the rough and sexy :) haha.

4. A song that sends chills to your spine:
It has to be You Raise Me Up. my hair stands straight everytime I sing it in choir, like it automatically sends thousands of flying needles to your heart.

5. A song you love singing to:
I sing to the songs I know. But if I had to pick a favourite, I would say The Donnas's Fall Behind Me.

6. A song you wished you could sing and perform:
That has to be I Fought The Law, Big Dirty Band's version. Because Care Failure looks smokin' hot in the clip. And I don't mean the lady-like hot. I mean the rock version. But my voice sucks I know...Moving on :P

7. A song you're proud of:
Southeast Skies and Khianati Kejora. haha. Ofcourse this, it's my band's songs. It's SHEWOLVES.

8. A song you would put on your blog at this moment:
White Flag by Dido. Though I don't intend of putting any at this moment. But Dido's nice. I love Dido.

9. A song you wished you created:
I wished I wrote Looks That Kills. haha. Although, it obviously is a guy's perception of a girl. Who cares, I still wish it was me who wrote it.. ah.. the wish that will never ever come. Next question.

10. A song from your childhood:
You Gotta Be by Desiree. I think I first heard it from Dad's stereo. Since he loved the light 'n' easy station. But it's a spirit lifter up till today.

11. A song for Friday night:
Friday Night by Lily Allen. Hah, this was a good one.

12. A song you listen to secretly:
Doesn't make sense but.. I secretly love jazz. Oh now it's not a secret. It never was anyway.

13. A song you're listening to:
Desiree's You Gotte Be. You know I used to think it was Shania Twain's song

14. A song you never thought you'd like:
Die Mannequin's Happy. Did I? Nah... I've always loved rock songs. and the 90's and the 80's and jazz.

15. A song to describe you:
I have no idea what song would be able to describe me.

16. A song on your phone:
Rusty Nail made famous by X-Japan. It's my ringtone. After I changed it because the previous ringtone was similar to Mecha's and we got confused on whose phone is ringing :P

17. A favourite live-performed song:
I have a few, but I love Guns'n'Roses live Sex, Drugs and Rock n Roll. I think it was performed together with the Chinese Democracy uncompleted album... wait... I think so. I'm not so sure.

18. A movie soundtrack:
How Do I live Without You, the theme song for Con-Air. The movie made me cried. What? He was so determined to see his wife and daughter.

19.A song you would listen before you go to bed:
Leaving On A Jet Plane. It's nice to have some calm tunes that soothes the earbuds before leaving reality and stepping into dream world.

20. A song you would always remember.
Selena's Dreaming Of You. I've liked it since I was 7.

hmm

2009-08-31T00:16:00.002+08:00

I've had enough of everything. Seems like the negative overpowers the memories built. I love crying. Let me cry until it runs dry. But I won't cry because of you. I'll cry for the things lost, I'll cry for the love that lost the war.

i wish

2009-08-30T11:46:00.004+08:00

I wish I could pretend like everything is going on fine. I wish I could deny what I felt for you.
But I miss you. I wished you'd come home. I wish I could help you out. I wish I was there to wipe your fears. But I miss you so bad, I keep telling it's going to be okay, but I always wake up hoping hoping you'd come back. I miss you

When she misses you - [ she's hurting inside ]

I wish I didn't tell you to just go and let me cry alone. I wish I wouldn't have been so hard-headed and say yes when you asked me to go out with you. I wish I would stop you from going there.

When she pulls away - [ pull her back ]

I wish I could run and hug you or race you to the car. Or give you my hand and let you say "hunny, teciknye. nape tecik?" or let you say. "aloo la cani" and let you say, "tite nak semue". And I wished you would ask me to make that nyet sound and laugh when I did it wrong. I wish you would throw away the cocupine in my car and tease me with it like you always do. I wish we could pretend eating kacang and sprinkle it on our food. I wish, I didn't tell you I'm okay.

When she says she's OK don’t believe it, talk with her

I wish you would be here to console me. Like how you pulled over when I cried of failing my solfeges. And you said, "Im here, I'll help you, that's why you have me". But now you're gone. I'm scared. You were always there to say "hunny you okay?" even when you know I'm not okay. And keep on trying to make me happy and say "I know you're not okay". Well I'm not okay now. I'm shaking. I'm scared.

When she's scared - [ protect her ]

I wish you would call me in the middle of the night, after your every game saying "Hunny you dah tido?" And I would say no, even when I'm actually sleeping and would leave you in the middle of the conversation. The next day you would say, "you tinggalkan I lagi" I never thought you would leave me in midst morning and everyday. There's no more Dinasour appearing on my phone screen. There's no more Patapon or Medievil. There's no more you.

Call her before you sleep and after you wake up

You know I thought I would be able to break fast with you. And you said, "Hunny datangla rumah I raye ni". Can I now? And what about my birthday? You said, "hehehe... I nk buat something la" And I guess now there'll be no you. It's sad, that that would be a year for us. I guess I wouldn't get that message you sent me last birthday. "Happy Birthday hunny, dah tue da. I love you"

Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her

I really really wish you were here with me. Not chasing her. Atleast not alone.

A ray of hope

2009-08-27T19:40:00.002+08:00

I guess sometimes we can't always have our hopes too high.
It'll crash you down. But I'll find my ways to stand back on my feet again.
It's the past that makes us stronger right?
So be it. I believe there's still happiness somewhere in the middle of the mouldy rock.

Love, a rock song

2009-08-25T23:05:00.005+08:00

Love is like an active volcano.
Nobody knows when it erupts but everyone gets ready for the worse. And when it's lava touches the ground, massive damage will be done and chaos strikes the ground. But the aftermath of the survivors are greater. The lava gives the soil enough protein for plants to grow healthy. Seriously, there's no avoiding fights in love. But if you survive it, then a better return is what you'll get.

Love is like mixed chocolate sold at the supermarket.
You can pick your favourite box. But you can't choose to only want the raisin choc and throw away the almond fillings. There's a solution to chocolates though, you can just by the single flavor. But hey, there's no such thing as single-flavoured human. There's always that something you like and a few you despise. And the only solution is finding the chocolate box with the most favourite flavour of yours. And just just savour the few flaws..

Love is like your new found favourite dish.
Once you've taste it, you want it everyday. It'll be your breakfast, tea time, lunch, dinner and supper. And you'll tell yourself you can never get bored of it. Until eventually the taste buds gets sick of it. But you can never hate this dish. After a few distinct dishes, you'll eventually go for the favourite dish again. The only difference is, you can't have variety of dishes in love at that time gap of taste-bud-healing. Maybe fasting, or diet is a better option to go for.

Love is like a rock song.
It starts like a roller coaster thumping your heart, you just feel the urge to jump and fly.
(That's the first half of a relationship)
Then there's the lyrics where you really listen to so you could understand the song better.
(That's when you get serious and get to know each other)
Then there's the chorus that keeps repeating.
(That's where you keep reminding each other of your love)
Then it gets complicated with the chords accompanying a tremendous solo.
(That's the argument point)
Sometimes they make it long and as messed up as it can be. Sometimes they keep it short.
But they all eventually dissolve and your heart would thump again, in a very different notion from the beggining.
(That's when you start a fresh new phase of a relationship. It will never be the same as how it started.)

Bold Notice

2009-08-19T00:10:00.008+08:00

To whom ever it may concern. I appreciate that you love to jot down notes on my topsy turns of life. Well here is my advice. You can and I can never stop you from wandering how I am doing. But to make it easier. I am happy and content with how I'm living. what I'm doing. And there's a reason why the past is called P-A-S-T. So quit worrying about it. Leave myself to handle myself. And here's one big fat obvious clue. You can never be apart of what I am doing. I have my family and TRUE friends and boyfriend (if this concerns you a lot) and obviously there is no you. So thank you. I appreciate that you love my way of life or anything that slids in it. And you can tell the world what my past is. But you are a nobody to tell me about anything in my present and future life.

a nobody can never jeopardise me.

Time gap

2009-08-11T13:12:00.002+08:00

I just got sucked in by a time machine. And hey, surprise, surprise. Just as I was about to enter near future the machine jammed. So my body's stuck in between present and soon-to-be. I guess you can guess that I'm doing my deed of killing silence. My afternoon class got cancelled, without notice. So the only thing I am capable of doing, is blogging. I still have another two full hours to go before my other class starts. I keep telling my brain to work. I think I got swallowed by the slouch disease. Everything I do seems to be in slug speed. I want to finish off college real soon and am constantly cursing on the fact that I am not progressing accordingly. Urgh, I need to learn to learn. My progress meter has dropped excessively, I used to produce wide smiles. Now I feel like I am falling in the speed of light and nearly have the stone-cold pavement on my face. Somebody prescribe me learning pills please.

I wish I could come up with a title

2009-08-05T23:03:00.003+08:00

So there it was written. Holidays mean rests. Well, I hate given rests. Oh somehow I miss knowing what my good friends are doing and how they've been. Ask me what I'm doing. Im doing fine. My band is moving at top speed which is bizarre. So I am great. Apart from the stinging ache around my waist thanks to hormonal changes. I don't usually put up with period pains. But this ache, they love kissing my bones. Not good for me at all. I often wish I could clench them and twist them so they'd produce the "crack" sound and I could go Oooo-la-la mi vida i complita. Seriously right now, it's how I feel. Oh well, college is starting soon enough. Catching-up moments, I won't miss. But I think the real break-point here is... the results. Oh how I wish I am Beethoven right now. Or whoever who created the four-part writing. Why do you have to make it so confusing? My wires are at hayes here.

Mirroring

2009-07-22T18:35:00.005+08:00

Let's play a game. I'm going to tell you some about me's and you're going to figure out which ones are plain dusty and which of these you never knew :)

Let's start with the obvious ones.

I am a non-smoker. I don't like its puff and have absolutely no intention of wanting to get addicted to it. Yes, I don't have problems dealing with cigarettes smoke that much. Since nobody in my family smokes, and my boyfriend's the same type as me.
I don't drink. I don't like the smell of hangover.
I don't like carbonated drinks. Sodas, I'm not in for it. Take me to McD's and I'll order a Ribena or the Minute Maid. I prefer juice. As for not liking doesn't mean I don't consume it. I drink soda's when I'm super thirsty or have sudden cravings.
If you know my existence you should know that this boy has my priority set for him. This is during a shooting for our lecturer's short film

My mother is my strength and icon. My family means a whole lot. My dear boy is my priority just as my music is. Hurt any of them, means hurting me. I don't let myself get hurt. Try turning them against me and I'll turn the world into your black hole.
I have a wild addiction to pastas. There's no such thing as bad pastas in my vocabulary index. When it's pasta, it's always good :)
I can get butterflies with purple. They are the most gorgeous color god had invented.
I hate lectures on who I should be or what decent clothes I should strut or that my perception on life is a messed-up broth. Just as you think I'm a failure that's how I think of you as a hypocrite to your own words.
I have soft spots for senior citizens who toil around cities. I'll usually go, "where are the kids?". It's the youth that should work and the old and frail should rest. God forbid, I would never want my parents to have a harsh future. I'd want them cosy.
My confidence level is just a tiny bit above zero. It needs time to build. But lately though, I've been gaining a lot more than I thought. Thanks to my cocupine, and my mom, and my friends and cousins.

Obsession.

2009-07-13T20:58:00.015+08:00

If you've been with me. You would know that I obsess on something called Thunderbird. The first time I saw it in the television, that purple classic convertible with a soaring-wings-shaped hood. I fell in love with it. Immediately. I asked my mom, what's it called this car? Cause when I was five, I only knew of 3 cars. That is a red Volvo we cruised in in Manchester, the Mercedes that grew up with me, and the old Toyota my grandpa drives. Mom confidently said, that has to be Thunderbird. My brain copied that with a small note attached- i am going to own this car one day. So I never thought of searching it on the internet. I barely knew how to use it at that age. Up until today. Because Mom says its a Thunderbird. For the first time I searched on this obsession's images. Just to find exactly what model it is. To find out, the Ford Thunderbird, looks nothing like what I saw when I was five. And got devastated. So I searched on all the classic convertibles. I didn't know why but Chevy crossed my mind. So I ogle for it on Wikipedia. There it was. The 1959 Chevy Impala Convertible. Well it somehow have the features of my dream car. But not quite right. So i ogled again and there it was, the '59 Cadillac Coupe Deville convertible. Gosh I I'm going to own it one day. For a second there I thought I could happily sing "in the backseat of my chevrolet". Eventhough technically it's a two-seater. But well, Cadillac here I come. Maybe if Im a gazillionaire I'd buy that 59 Chevy as well :)

So meet Chevy. Disney's Cars designed one of their cars to look like this. Except that it's purple. I thought it was the one. Than I found the other one.

The '59 Cadillac Coupe Deville Convertible. Gorgeous right? Im gonna have one in purple :)
Look at its tail.

Look at those tail flaring. Smokin' hot. And mine's going to be just like that. Only in Purple :)

larger than life

2009-07-09T00:18:00.003+08:00

I probably am late in writing about him, and probably amongst the billions. But I think I finally have found what I really had to say about the King of Pop. Having to view his memorial service, just confined me, he had befriended the world, and he was big at heart. He was a star, making millions and affording luxuries, yet he gave to those in deep need. He could've talked about his success, yet he spread messages about peace, about unity. He was the largest humanitarian. He didn't do deeds to gain spreads in the press, but he truly reach out to every individual, in ways we never would have realised. Though some hated him for that, he never stopped fighting. Though he was badly misjudged, he smiled until no anguish could be sensed. Although he was flooded with bad feedbacks, he never despise those who started it. The things he did, the strength he possessed, really had made him a hero. And I, am just one of the sea of people that was inspired by his actions. His meaningful music, his body language on stage, his activities to spread humanity will forever be continued, by the children he had helped in giving a better future. He will forever live as a hero, an icon, an inspiration deep down in our hearts core. There's a better way to look at this lost. Maybe god took him early, so that he will no more have to endure the pain he hid from the world.

Without you, there'll be no such thing like moonwalk.

"We Could Fly So High
Let Our Spirits Never Die"
-Heal the World

We love you MJ, you'll forever be our inspiration

catch me when I fall

2009-07-06T22:19:00.002+08:00

Inevitably i was on the edge. My fear came to reality and it was horrific. I wasn't heartless enough as I thought I might be. Pretending a fine face when you're breaking down isn't easy, and just at that time, I needed a time to ponder. I sat in the cubicle-my breaking down getaway, and run through disappointments in my head. There's this force, this eerie pull that just wanted a taste of the stale air. But I didn't let them. I still could hold on. Until i saw him. Because I know he would have the answer. The perfect way of curing my disease. And when he asks if I'm okay, I knew I couldn't hold it any longer. So I broke down, and tears subsided. I was a massive hangover over the thought of myself being an uber disappointment. He pulled over when he was suppose to be driving. He was all ears. He was like my version of Queen's We are the Champions. He was wise. Believe me, truly wise. He kept talking until there was zero reason for me to feel down. Then he said, I'll help you. That's why you have me. Right there and then i know it'll be okay. Although I still have certain loose parts still, I know for sure I have someone watching over. Dear love, this is for you. I love you deep.

Look through

2009-07-05T21:05:00.002+08:00

A post of no reason absolutely this is. I just when through a day of laziness. Life, realizing this a few days ago, is moving fast. Really fast, and I'm afraid I'm not ready for what's coming. I'm already in college. Nothing new yeah. But Im already a year here. I wonder for how long will I stay. I mean, this isn't high school where failure can be mend. It's a do or die world Im living and it costs money. Music is my all-time path. Yet, it never is easy. I keep telling myself to focus more, concentrate and be serious but the mantra last only up to an hour. Before I even get the urge to start again. And to be reminded, my ABRSM exam is less then 30days. An absolute reason with no failure attachment. Can't do it. I need to find the button. One that will leave me striving. And that is my study life. Or so to realise, it ain't permanent. I'll eventually graduate and I'm going to pay for my own food very soon. I sort of freak out everytime I have this picture. I've been fed by mom and dad. It's them for food, gas, and everything. Then one day, I'm going to be living myself, supporting myself. The only pocket money I'll earn is the one coming out from my pay-check. Pay-check? I can't even help but to wonder what would be my means of earnings. And if you think I am so snuggling myself and haven't had the taste of hardship, well suck it up because if you're a teen, then we're the same. WE have no idea of what the world really looks like. And eventhough we hate to admit it, our parents are always behind us every single day of our teen life. We rely on them by all means. So it's time to wake up and say grace to have them and to realise we're going to switch place with them very very soon. Then it'll be our turn to pay the house, car, eccetera. And I might have no idea what you'r thinking but I want my parents to have a cosy life, just like how they had embraced me with. Though life little girl. Grow up now.
Shewolves is slowly driving into progress. I'm seeing visions of us. If Shewolves works well, which I hope will more than anything, then I can kiss my worries goodbye. Because, everything would fit into my plan of construction. Then again, an early kickstart ain't easy. Whatever it is, I know there's this one angel that'll help me through it all :) This angel I found hiding in college. So i guess a rough start does turn out well, depending on our beliefs :)

teamwork rocks

2009-06-29T22:21:00.006+08:00

This goes to my hectic Saturday. Lets have recap.

Friday 26 June.
I and Dinasour are seven months and counting :) Ok that was a short intro. I went for Italian class. First thing on the schedule. Then went for Dinasour's group meeting. I am just as involved as he is if you're wondering. Then went for rehearse which clearly isn't tight enough. Upon the theatre hall closing at 7 we had no choice but to leave. But Dinasour went all out to call any vacant studio. Tough as it was Friday night. Went to Theatrica for a brief jamm for Saturday. Slept at 2.30.

Saturday 27 June
I was just entering dream world when my alarm gush into my earlobes. It couldnt be. 5am already? That was fast. But I bath anyway. Wore a skirt i borrowed from Nana and went to college. Utt sent me and Dinasour to SMK USJ 12 to pick up fellow juniors (soon to be I hope ^.^). Just a quick look-through. Most of the things that happen during this campaign and workshop are spontaneous. I randomly group them in the bus. As the students entered, Rock You Like A Hurricane played. That was lifting. In short. The day was a rocking one. The students kick ass. We kicked ass. We made friends with them. And they danced with us. And when it was end, when i performed with Dinasour and Ayam and Boy, they cheered the hell out. And our lecturer made a surprise with the extravagant lighting. And guess what? Our group got the highest marks. I'll get certificate. We got Ferrero Roche from the students. They plan of inviting us to the school assembly. A big honour. We were honoured. What really touched me was the words that came out from one of the student and i quote

"Thank you for the memories you have given us today"

the pledge

2009-06-25T22:04:00.003+08:00

The devil ripped my soul and lock it in his tiny fiery cage. To have it back, I am now working as a ghost. Think Casper, only less cute. I am directly touch-through, I walk through walls. I don't eat and contrary to popular belief, I do not live under your bed, or in the closet. Specifically I am homeless. I roam the sky. To keep my soul alive I am feeding my heart to the hell-keeper. Yes, the were tore, ripped, swallowed like rabbis rats and then they form again to be ripped again. But I don't participate in pain. Neither my body nor my soul. I made a deal with the devil to make me pain-proof. Ofcourse, I am not haunting. I work like I always do, only that I'm not seen. See, the devil made me a pretty good bargain. By all means I am normal. Just without a soul

to the people in my life

2009-06-21T22:53:00.004+08:00

I realise i have a lot more literal idea when I'm having a bad time. Or maybe it's just me that love my outcome when it sounds sadistic. Well, I had been wandering every corner of my brain searching on what to write. You could say, don't write anything if you don't know what to put in. There's just this urge to write. I peeked at my cousins blog and my sis. You know, my sister can be very annoyingly sinistral when she's being picked on. You go sister! Read her blog then you'll know what Im talking about. So i found Aina's writing about the two younger male-cousins of mine who are four, at age. Very close, like me and my girls. I felt a jolt to cry for a moment there. We're all grown up. Mama, can i turn back time and play with water in the basin and pretend its my bathtub again please?? You know girls (you know who you are), don't you miss the day when we had our bath together and run outside naked and make butt-chops on the wall with our tiny, back-then-smooth butt? :P I know, we cant, now our body are fully developed. We have to wear bras now . haha. (It's a general fact, don't get too excited). If I were to list my favourites, which I will :) the favourite moments with you guys will be:

building shelter with cushions and get the house in a mess
drinking milo in bicker. I remember Sara has kain busuk for thumb-sucking :)
Going to 7-e after kindie to get snacks with atok
Singing minang songs with atok. Sara and amjad memorises the most lyrics :D
Okay my favourite is actually bathing and butt-chop :D

Back then you girls are my everything. Ofcourse, my parents are my life. Always has been and always will be. Now, Cocupine(Dinasour) is my everything :D You guys are my girl-side of everything.. does that make sense? I mean, now I have a guy whom I love dearly. back then I didn't seem to see the difference between guys and girls. I just hate them because they are bullies. Wait, I never hate them. I just don't have that feeling which I am having with Cocupine now.
Oh well, time is moving, I am growing. Now I'm looking to 10years from now. Where I made a promise. I am going to be rich enough to provide my parents a new home with their own design suit to their own taste in their very own favourite location. My dad can buy himself lots of German cars and Mom can travel wherever she wants and go shopping whenever she wants. No they wont have to work. My sister, I think she'll be richer than me. I think she'll be working at a very high-ranking position in a very very prestigious company. Oh no wait, i think she'll hibernate in Japan and marry her pretty japanese boy. My brother, I don't know. He probably will be in music, and he'll get the girls. which is what he is getting now. Which reminds me, he has six-packs! (Urgh, this just make me realise guys are so wildly driven in everything they do. This includes you Cocupine. Its a good thing though, I just wish I could be like them.) Back to my brother, I'll support him in his music. I will. He can have his double pedal and as much drumset as he wants. Im buying :D I, will be a part-time writer I think, and still rockin' with Cocupine ofcourse :) Such big dreams. I'll make them come true. One at a time. I told you right, eversince I met him, my dreams are completing its puzzle.

the log

2009-06-19T18:12:00.003+08:00

Of what should have been me who gets to answer, has been me who had to ask. And I will not tell of my glory. Neither any of my falls. I am not an open book. And I sense that you got overwhelmed in a very crooked way. I am the log that got washed by the sea. And I am not cold but bloated. I stay for any creature to rest and make me shield, of the wave that washes the shells off shore. But I am a log. Those who don't examine will never know of me. And it stays that way. Welcoming to no restrictions, yet no intentions of speedy revelations.

the little weekend crash.

2009-06-09T22:18:00.005+08:00

The archaic female gender belonging to the ordinary family tree. The best of friends. The best of laughs. Between honest heart moments and sneaky gossips. Between late night pizzas and afternoon breakfast :P Between cellphones and snail mail. between the rightfully innocent to the super craze. Since Montessori to the almost adulthood. Still strong. Always is. I love you girls. Always will be.

Major issue

2009-06-07T23:46:00.005+08:00

yes. I got back from my sleepover. It was fun, as for in girls dictionary. Yes, I am like every other normal female gender. I too, have spots for chick flicks and gossips. For the last few weeks, nah, make it months. I've been thrown with words like how miraculously lucky I am. For a normal, havoc, non-fashionista, girl to have own such a oh-he-is-such-a-sexy-gorgeous-handsome-looking stud. People, looks are overrated. Yes I am lucky. But please stop saying it's because I am the girlfriend of the guy that in your eyes has the perfect-stunner looks. I DID NOT LOVE HIM BECAUSE OF WHAT MOST OF YOU SEE IN HIM SO DO NOT MAKE ME LOOK LIKE ANY ONE OF YOU. If you oh-so want to have a handsome. good-looking eccetera boyfriend go thrash yourself. I do not have any intention to care well pretty much obviously. Let me tell you something though, most of the handsome guys I met, are turn-offs and self-absorbed and treat girls like a piece of joke. So as it goes, I do not give even the slightest heart-melting moment for guys with looks. They really are no big deals to me like it is to the rest of you. But if you just want a boyfriend to show-off how unwelcomely gorgeous you are, be my guest. Show it off, make a fashion show out of him, a parade too. Just don't involve any of me. Boyfriends are not handbags lady, not shoes either. They are not too be paraded to see who got the most "in" thing. And mine, definitely is not your diamond ring in the windows of Tiffany's. He is a human that has the purest hard among all but i bet you don't know that because all you care about is how he looks like and how lucky I am to have looks like that in my guard. He doesn't have the perfect attitude to go with his so-you-call-perfect-anatomy but i bet you insisted on it, while I just savour it, because yeah, you're on a race of I-have-the-perfect-being. Don't any of you care to know his heart? Or the real reason why I love him? Heck no. yet again, the sentence repeating is "fina is a lucky bitch to have someone so f***king gorgeous in her arms." For the last time, I did not love him because of his looks. If I have to give reasons. That will never be one of them. I notice his dreams that are like mine like how they will never be like yours. I notice his sincerity like how you will never cared. I notice he's sensitive and he too, like me, worry about our loved ones. So do not ever mention to me of this craze you're on for hunting. My boy belongs to me and I did not love him because of what you think the sole reason is. Despite it, even if god wills him to look nothing like your dream-boy-with-the-looks-that-kill, I would still forever be beside him. Not you. And I know you can never sacrifice any larger than your own fame sake. So please, just accept the fact that I love him, for real, and no, nobody else will ever get the trial on him. He is not a toy. He is my soulmate. He forever will be.

Cocupine

2009-06-02T22:53:00.002+08:00

Dear Dinasour. I am content. And I can never grew tired of your roars, and can forever go crazy with you.

Dear soulmate. I am happy. there is you. And I can keep on competing with you, like we always do every day, to say who loves who most. I know you love me just as much as I do. hold. I still love you more :) I win today :)

Dear Dinasour. I am jubilant. And I will never stop smiling at how cute you are when we pretend to hold cocupine.

Dear soulmate.I am a lark. And Im glad we share secrets nobody will ever know of. And Im glad you can tell my feelings even when I pretend Im heartless.

Dear Dinasour. I am flying. And I will forever play hide and seek with you, and all the funny games we invented.

Dear soulmate. I know you know. I can never lose someone as close to me like you. Because then there will be no one else to tell me apart of my disguises, and no one to laugh at my silly looks and no one to join my dumb acts. And there'd be no one else to persuade me on my guitar and jamm with me even when I sound stiff.Most importantly, no one else to love just as much.

Dear soulmate. I am here to stay. I promise you :)

motion detector

2009-05-30T01:28:00.007+08:00

We happened to discover that my laptop has a motion detector, and got psyched by it :)
Clearly as the name goes, it sense motion, then it starts recording. So we challenged each other to stay still while on it. The person who triggered the recorder loses. Obviously :)

This video down here is me being confident.*shrugs* I thought as I was seating behind and quite far, the camera wont detect me. I was wrong. So score marks 1-0. O.O

This is Dinasour having himself at fault. Then he said the camera lied. aha. Baby, the score is still 1-1. haha

This one is foul. He pushed me. *small grunt*

And so that happened to be the entertainment for the day :)
(he bullied me more after that. But that's okay cuz I got to bully him back. yeah, I have pixie proof :)
See. Isn't my babe gorgeous? My babe has breast enlargement too. Hunny, now you can be in Shewolves. haha.

Errr... I told you he loves bullying. He's the only one that can :)

The picture inspired by people that stare too much. Stare at this since you love viewing so much :P

A thought

2009-05-24T18:07:00.007+08:00

Woke up at 10 today. Well, a few minutes after it strikes 10. Woke up sleepy. But had to do it since if i don't mama will use her ultimate power of talking some sense on me :P We went for breakfast and straight to the mall. Ofcourse, needless to say, the most exciting part is that, everything is free. aha. But i told myself in 10years I'll be the one paying it all up for them, since they've given me more than enough. Yeah, I think parents made the greatest sacrifice.(Trust me, even though they nag when you ask for money, they will eventually still give it to you. And eventhough they have their hours crunched with works, they'd still make time to pick you up from wherever you are or just to help you with your work. And no matter how relentlessly tired they are, they would still sit on the couch at night waiting for you to come home safe. Well I know my parents does these things I wrote)So in conjunction with the everything-will-be-payed-for, I bought myself a Motley Crue DVD (yes I did! I wanted to buy KISS as well but oh well. next time maybe)Then I bought this white Los Angeles sweatshirt and a girl's boxer (Mama pays too) I bought it because it was pretty (as in my definition of pretty- unique and exquisite and rare and pretty)and it was less than RM30. Then my sister willingly shove her ass into Momoe with my mom and me following along. And then I saw this fine black boot-designed sneakers. I just took a peek, observing it actually. Then mama looked at the price. The pair was less than 50. A fine, pretty (yet again) and not expensive thing! Mama asked if I wanted it and I don't say no to the things I love :). But I asked her if its okay since I've spend quite an amount. She said, it's not like its always. And now i own the pair of sneakers.(If there's something I notice about my mom, when she's happy and she starts spending, it's kind of hard to stop, she will become so generous(:I got that attitude too from her)Then we went on for groceries and sushi.

So me and my sister bought some stuffs. So does my dear little brother. He bought himself a dumbell weighing 8lbs. which is heavy. and some ankle weighs( I dont know what they call it, but it's suppose to strengthen your leg ankle, everything) He's building up, toughening up. Yeah, my brother has grown. fast. I remembered like it was yesterday when he used to wake up early in the morning and become the newspaper fetcher, When the newspaper is his size, his height. Now she already has a girlfriend whom she's excited about. He busted in the kitchen with a happy face while I was cooking myself dinner just to tell me about it :)(cousins, if you're reading this, this stays between us. not a word to the uncles and aunts and grands or he'll be so pissed. aha)

Yup. as for myself, I'm growing too. My sister joked during breakfast, saying I'll no longer be a teen. I'm 20 next year. Yes I am, Uh.. I am (Eventhough I won't be 20 until November next year). That is so close to adulthood. Somewhat scary. But, it also means closer to my dreams. I hope. But I'm confident I am getting closer. Since the day I got Dinasour beside me, my dreams just seem to paint themselves one at a time. Yeah, he gives me confidence. and hope too. I guess god is treating everything fairly and life is treating me oh-so-fine. But I think god would still let me swallow some bitter, and salvage some lost, so that I don't get too high I forgot the Almighty. It's a good think I don't always taste sweet. Because eventually if you taste it all the time, the sweetness would fade, then the taste bud will not receive the delight. Just like how human can't always be happy, I like it that way. Because they make me appreciate, and self-reflect.

wolves on the loose

2009-05-17T00:17:00.008+08:00

Here:

Headbanging for the night.
Noisy Studio, Shewolves's perfomance.
Dinasour never misses :)

And then there was the pack of lost wolf cubs:
Which were raised by the grim of nature to bring sought difference.

Gathering their enthusiasm and... the attitude of camera whoring :P :
(actually there was tones of photos since the time performance went really late)

And the attitude of seeking trouble :P :
dialogue for easier-relate:
Pqot: Weyh, sumpah pening dowh. akoo rse ade orang letak something dlm coke
Abby: Akoo pon same. tp bkn ko ke yg bli coke tu? ko la ni. balik je la jom
Dinasour: korang ni ngade2 la. pose dlu ade org nk tngkp gmbr. jap lg bru pk ape ade dlm coke tu.
Fina: weyh, asal diorang salahkn coke tu? coke tu okay je

And so the coke was being blamed for fatigue :D

But after it all. the wolves's lust for stage got stronger and the stage was, well, pretty much demolished. aha:

So it goes. Beware the shewolves and its bites.
then end :D

my dinasour bites

2009-05-13T23:36:00.004+08:00

I have been writing so much I suddenly am interested in journalism. Yeah, don't be surprised if I'm suddenly a student in journalism. I mean, it has always been my second interest after music. But i already planned them through. The plan where only Dinasour knew about. Yeah, he actually made me feel confident with those plans im planning. Ow yea, here's something I'm proud to share and something that had me jumped in satisfaction all alone in the car while I was driving back just now.

The chase:
Some car highlighted me and followed so closely behind me. I didn't notice. Being the usual me :)

The Catch:
Dinasour realise what that motor-engine filled metal was doing and did revenge. He went behind the car and highlighted it back and did something I wouldn't tell you in here. Because that was the fun part. That's actually something I would do if some car acted heroic infront of me. And I was screaming in victory. Yeah, I told you I have superficial wings watching over me :)

That was a first time i really feel protected by anyone. I mean, I didn't realise the harm walking and he already made whoever whose trying to harm felt sorry it even crossed their mind. How often do you get that? So now you know my dinasour bites. Ow yea and hey. To the lady who speak the owh-so-Paris Hilton accent, go back to your mansion and just get your butt fatter than it already is. or maybe you could try eyeing some gigolo that strays on your manor's back alley. Because we both know, and don't be so naive, that he's not interested in you. And you're lucky you even get an eye. And that was twice. You were there to see the shoot and that's where you keep your eyes on. Because if I ever see you straying your pupils on my treasure again, your hair is going to be bald and you're gonna stray on the skid rows, say, I don't know, maybe if you're lucky you could get some beggar to want you :) Yea lady, this wolf bites too. And this wolf leaves scars. I know a cheap socialite like you cant afford a tinnie-winnie scar, you cannot yet afford the plastic surgery. Yeah, lay off my lair or be my slave. Wait, be the slave of my slave of my slave.

tipsy

2009-05-07T22:38:00.003+08:00

run. scatter. get busy as time rest. lay down the spine when nothing is in the right coordinate. I sip, more like swallow coke. A drink i took days to even finish one pint. Inevitably, something went wrong somewhere since my body fuses to nothing but shockingly the shock itself. And hey guess what, stress do know how to make an entrance. But since my body isn't functioning like it should be, my emotion and physical stopped to care. They say "bring me the storm and let's just hope for survival, and hopefully rejoice out of it". A dead disease the doctor couldn't do a quick prognosis on. But well maybe tether could help make it safe. Science will never get to this senses. I guess romanticism had my head filled with it. And as i suck this kiddy drink like i suck on blood, I have gone utterly lost to my conscious and clearly not opt to making senses.

as for not updating

2009-04-28T23:30:00.006+08:00

here's how my story goes. I had fun. The end.

Nah, there's probably more to share than that. Kutthroat performed in Melaka after so long not performing (cheers to that). I shared the stage with Dinasour! That was the most exciting of all part. He agreed to session. Yet another reason why I'm a big appreciator of him. And yeah, that was probably one of the two reasons why I went on with the show despite having an eye infection. (My eyes were so red like zombies and I could barely see. For some seconds I thought I'd end up blind. Seriously, there was no way I could open my eyes without having them shut back-without my nerve control. Not to mention, I went around with my mom looking for optometrist before the Melaka trip since the doctor we went to gave us the silliest excuse-hair entered my eye -.-) The other reason would be, I could never abandon my passion. Well, we didn't went all perfect, (no double pedal, my strap got detached on the intro of Sepultura) but who cares. I had fun. I shared stage with him. (It wasn't me watching him or him watching me scene, it was them watching us.haha) Goal achieved. We'll be sharing more :)

the solid proof

Ask me about the night. My car drank on petrol like a pig snorting the mud. I cannot stand the street lights, the heat from the bulb is killing my pupil. pupils. I snooze once i hit the pillow.. and woke up at nine in the morning just to say, "Did I just slept?" and continued sleeping :)

As for today, I went to college. For a numb reason I was suppose to talk flamboyantly about college so I won't tarnish its ability to impress the press but I didn't know where they held the whole answer-question thing so i guessed I accidentally dissed it. And just to build-up my already worn up body (caused by the effect of green room-heat) i went for ices. Dawi took us- me and Dinasour to eat ice kimo. thirst trenched. She did a good job promoting:) We'll go there again tomorrow maybe. Did I tell you? Dinasour and me found a new way of exercising- fun too: ice skating. We got hooked up to those killer boots with steel blades. haha. We went there twice last week.(We immediately went without a day's gap)

So yeah, I clumsily remembered I had an assignment due this thursday and I still have atleast one more page to go. I ran out of idea. That's the only reason why i have my fingers typing here.

the destroyer

2009-04-18T00:12:00.002+08:00

The part I, the happy story with a perfect ending.

Ice skating was an absolute fun. Racing him was the best game. Practicing for my performance had me in the best shape. Having dinner and talking with dinasour was the perfect ending. No elaborations needed.

The part II, the letter of vengeance.

Get over it! Our result were out a month ago. If you would so love to send notices, you would send them a month ago. If you so love to tell student to sweep their ass of their sluggish sit, you should've be more aggressive about it since medieval. I fail a subject. I never failed for 2 semester straight. I failed for the first time. Everyone falls. I am not a robot and I am not your pioneer. Do not aspect me to be one and don't cry your veins out when I don't live up to your dreams. I live up to my sole dream. He fails, she fails, they fail, everyone fails every once in a while. Don't make us sound like losers, because i swear on your kneeling knees that you would be the one to talk about us when we have our own monarch. We came, we learn, we made mistakes and learn more. That's the reason we came in the first place. If we were the great masters, we would have launched our own training temple. Thank you. Your kindness is much appreciated.

Yours truthfully,
Someone who is LEARNING.

Need

2009-04-13T23:48:00.004+08:00

Daisies sways like oceans waves. The scent of after rain. A welcome so pleasant you forgot the rushing subway. A stand to toss the winter coat. A cup of coffee and fresh-baked cookies. Waiting, to calm your impulses. A door set ajar, a mat to dry the wet feet. a rocking-chair with new cushions. A fireplace that burns bright. A sofa so soft you almost feel like falling in, bean bags of colours to jump in and off. A warm carpet for body comfort. A bed with clean sheets, with pillows in place and comforters stretched and the teddy bears awaits to be squeezed. Walls of calming colours, the shades of caramel. a stereo, a walk to tuneful melodies. The television, they forecast the memoirs recorded.Neon light from across the street- found its way to inside the hall. through a series of windows, with the blinds half-opened. Just a jumper and socks, or maybe a pair of cute-faced furry slippers. Enjoying the dawn before the dusk seek it's responsibility. Wouldn't that be enough for a moment in time? A chance to escape hectic city. Wouldn't it sound lovely?

mia amore

2009-04-01T22:50:00.003+08:00

Like lifted up high, like no weight to suppress. That feeling merged the moment he said, it was the best birthday ever. Who knows what awaits. I didn't plan the live band, but they were a good addition to the whole day. If the live played songs were brought by air to the rooftop of a suburb house viewing the city lights, I'd ask a hand to dance. Graceful moves would make the moment as divine as a fairy tale's happy ending. Something simple could be extravagant, something as spontaneous turns out so right it filled the spaces, leaving not even a tiny atomic figure to take action. It was to me, a trophy. One that I would bring to bed on each night, one that I would hug so tight it could replace my teddy. The future, knowing it will be as hectic as bee's filling their nests with honey looks calm in a sudden. Just for that moment, it all disappeared to thin air. Giving ways to the lovely motions. Giving in for the sake of that pretty feeling. That feeling that sneaked into hearts so tenderly we never noticed when it started its journey. The make-believes paints themselves to reality bits by bits, layers by layers. Everything that seemed far, is now closer than I thought they would ever be. When he said, You're dreams are coming true, the rainbows merged in that dark sky i saw. The orange bulb that keeps lighting my room looses its role when all my dark became the colour of purple shades. In that twirling shades, was when I realised, his grip stood out from the rest of demenours. When I bind mine into his, I couldn't let go. To grip stronger means to reach out further, to get nearer to my every dreams and hope. Those hands that were looking out for me were my pure reason to every joyous happening, and I am selfish to want every happiness. So I gripped those hands stronger. I'd jerk my head higher, I'd tiptoe, I'd make sure that this foot taller being is on my sight. Just as how safe i felt when he held me close, that's how timid i feel when I lose this sight. Even as lovely as the sound of strings vibrating, will never be close to how he had let me be :)

music people

2009-03-24T21:42:00.002+08:00

My very good friend recorded her materials yesterday and put them up on her myspace. I'm proud of her to have finally taken her step ahead in her goals. I'm proud of all my friends and family. They have made the very best out of themselves, and I am proud to have been one of their thousands pillars. So here goes their link. I liked their songs so I hope you'd like them as much as I do to. This talented dears of mine really had me of my feet for a while with their acoustic sounds.

Safia Atira's music: www.myspace.com/safiafamily
Mecha's music: www.myspace.com/mechanmusic

So hey, indulge =)

staring through

2009-03-21T01:51:00.002+08:00

a blank face. a puzzled face. eyes that stared so deep it choked it's beholder to minutes to end. eyes that glare but sees nothing. lips that churn but swallowed a vacuum. Expressive facial muscle but undetermined by nature. the sound of air was heard, yet no breathing took place. A live body but a dead soul. Strong knees now unused and folded. Feeble and vulnerable with no lust to walk nor stand. A scream that fades in a tick no ears could detect. A visible wound camouflaged with skin. Ears that listen but no words made through. A sense to touch, yet nothing felt. An urge to breakdown, but couldn't, wouldn't squeeze its way out. Adrenalin that shoots straight up, held back by the leftovers of sanity. An image of a searching, lost little kitten. An image derived from the peace and chaos that were fighting for a place, a space in the little, timid body. A perfect picture of an insane outburst.

photo tags

2009-03-19T22:41:00.014+08:00

Kak Aisyah tagged me using one that needs me to pick up a photo from my sixth photo album. The only deformation is that, it doesn't exist. I only have three albums and the rest are scattered for my easy-viewing. So here's the offspring of your tag :- a list of my favourite photos with a list of my life's VIP.

Fav photo of mom and dad.
Taken during the visit to Strawberry Farm in Korea last year.
I prefer a photo of them holding new-born me in their arms. But I couldn't get the photo scanned to the net :)

Fav photo with sibs.
Also in Korea.

Fav photo with cousins.
Snapped during Aina's birthday celebration in Curve.

Fav photo with friends.
This was Kutthroat on the way to Melaka.

My favourite family photo.
This was Raya last year in my grandparent's house.

Fav photo with Dinasour.
This was after they went for a DotA match.

And this has always been my favourite self picture
Macx took it on the rooftop of Carefour

So there. My precious photos shared. This moments aren't repeatable so this photo helps me remember and reminisce the times I've had with the people I love.

Placebo

2009-03-18T14:40:00.003+08:00

It's 2.40 in the middle of the day. I'm still in bed. Bathed though and had my breakfast, which to me seem a little too awkward. Since if I'm at home, I don't eat until it's almost dawn. But yet here I am, in front of this screen, with ears filled with sound waves of Poison's Talk Dirty To Me. While my eyes, they cant stop glaring at the Pet Society's pet going back and forth. If you put it together, it looks like my pet and Bella's are dancing to the song. It's calming. Like watching the tiny ballerina figurine inside your music box dancing to the classic piano tunes. This morning I attempted to play Donnas's Fall Behind Me. Again, I was aspired by Staind's acoustic song, which I vulnerably forgot the title, and found myself a new tune, unfinished though. While I was writing this, I was talking to Tira, I somewhat miss her presence. The air isn't as the same colour since she left college. Unseemingly, I have nothing to update and talk and blurb about. Nothing as intersting than a result slip awaiting this Saturday. I guess I'm going to take my dose of lets-do-nothing pills until I got back to my senses. Or maybe I should take one of those placebo just so it could lie to my brain and tell me I'm perfectly fine and active. :)

survey

2009-03-13T00:12:00.003+08:00

I found this on Bella's page. I found them captivating :

When's the last time you cried?
A long long time ago. Does crying because of the onions count?

If you were to die today would your life be complete?
No. In bold. Where's that dream of being the Worldwide Female Guitarist? Not accomplished yet right? So no, it's not complete just yet

Is anything wrong with your eyes?
I wish they were purple? Haha, nah, they're fine. Just typical spectacle syndrome

Where did you sleep last night?
On my bed, next to my sister, while hearing Lamb Of God's Wrath and texting Dinasour. Don't you just wonder how I sleep? lol

Do you get annoyed when you see someone you don't like?
I get so annoyed the sight of their face makes me rather enjoy the view of the dustbin. Call-off, I would rather go pick my armpit's hair. haha. Disgusted? That's how disgusted I get too. Did I leave you a clear picture? Good. :)

Are you a patient person?
I think I am. I do lose temper though, Every once in a blue moon. Rarely though, I usually just talk myself into being so absorbed into hatred and lead myself out, and then...cut the crap out of it :)

How are you currently feeling?
Happy as Heaven could be. Ask me why? I'll tell you anyway. Dinasour taught me to understand solos. I tried it just now, bingo!

Have you ever intentionally made someone jealous?
Yeah! his fans. haha. Am I mean? I don't think so. They deserves so. His my boyfriend, I can do whatever the hell I want with him. And they are not to interfere, look and lust darlings.*loud laugh*

When is the last time you were hugged?
Just now. thank you. I feel warm. Thank you again for asking.

Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now?
Yeah. *Don't I just sound confident?* We need confidence here people.

What's on your mind?
Woo-hoo, Can I play the guitar some more please?
*My sis is sleeping so I have to be quiet. Which means, no guitar.

Are you jealous of someone right now?
Yes, Prisa. and Allison Robertson. haha

Do you want to see someone this very minute?
I want to see someone I'd like to see every second and its fraction. Dinasour please.

Who did you last say "I love you" to?
Again, Dinasour. Owh, My mom. No I then said I love you to Dinasour again. (:

Do you regret it?
If there's anything I regret, that would be not being able to let him know every second how I feel about him and not being able to tell my mom how an angel she is.

What is your relationship status?
heavily sedated, pinned-down in a relationship filled with cat meows, dinasour rawrs, capertillar, webcams, guitar and riffs, purple and red, gummy bears and coco crunch with milk topped with ice-skating, whipped cream, Waffle World lamb chop and Spicy Mint flavoured and served as chilled and tempting to the heart <3

Would you take any of your exes back?
I found a guy countless time better. Why should I take the past to my future?

Ever kissed somebody that name starts with an R?
Dinasour's name starts with R. haha. I love this question.

time-killers

2009-03-04T22:03:00.004+08:00

There's pretty obvious reasons why i dislike being at home, in my case, due to the semester breaks. First, there is absolutely no works to kill my day. Then, staying just at home is stressing and not to mention, fattening and builds up the already-mouldy laziness inside of your thick flesh. Just because of the holiday, I have to burn hours thinking what could I possibly do. I killed my time by on lining. It gets less exciting throughout the day. Let's see my accomplishment of staying online for so long, shall we?

I read up the preview of Glamour magazine, and what do you get? A-must-buy-item.
My pet society's on level 24,002. Im a Platinum Pet, Im on number 4 now, I used to be at 10.
Myspace is getting even boring.
I stalked Dinasour's myspace for the millionth time. I could read back all the comments even. haha.

That ain't bad ain't it? I figured the whole point to my excruciating irksome is the extinction of English novels. I used to have lines of mysteries and crime and murder stories waiting to be adjudicate by my logic sense. I should buy myself a number of fresh books. If I were ever surrounded by the smell of thick papers of inks, I would not worry about drowning in my own sluggish habit that I am developing oh-by-the-way. Additional facts, my accomplishments on the tenacious hours of staying on the web, would still occur with or without the books (exception maybe on number four).

Did I mention? I am having more time to wander too. Most previous- Imagining myself and the Kutthroats on stage. Head-banging to Ekotren's- Tables have Turned. I replay the part on the solo. Where Bella would do a fading scream and bend over and head to the keyboard, placed right in the middle of the stage. Where I would come from the right, joining her infront of the keyboard, doing the solo, knees slightly bent, to the motion of a normal rocker, and Tira would join in, harmonizing to me, In the same position as me, only the opposite direction, then three heads would stare at each other and the headlights would flare, creating a shadow of our image. Wouldn't that be lovely? Three girls re-living the music?

the dedications

2009-03-01T20:30:00.004+08:00

Part one. Dedicated to my cousins.
This weekend, I had rejuvenate my relationship status. I had become so close with my dear cousins, and yes, we had our girl talks- something we last did during Raya last year. I am proud for owning such dear cousins and the times I spend with them is something I won't trade in and out. These pretty girls, they're always giving me reasons to laugh and reminisce. Yes, that goes to you Sarah, Aina, Dayana, Trisha. I had spent the weekends with you guys and it felt great. I remembered just now me and Sara and Aina were reminiscing about our favourite games when we were 5 years old and talking about boyfriends and guys while we were bathing in the pool. I memorised me saying to Aina - look at us, we're no longer in school. Soon it'll be their turn, and soon none of Atuk's grandchildren will be in school. How time moves. If love is to be broken down into chains and links and shattered in the deep woods, I'd go bow-hunting just to give every bits to you ladies, and that includes Ija and Tifa. Rejuvenations. they feel good.

Part two. Dedicated to Dinasour.
It was fun watching him on stage from below, and he was awesome (I lost words to describe my Dinasour, If I could, I wanted to put all the right words here, but that'll turn this blog into a pointless annoying piece of writings) But yeah, He was perfect with that weapon of his, seeing his fingers switch from frets to frets and his right hand doing that magic, that was an awesome sight especially from where I stand. Girlfriend's honour :D And to have been there with you, until the very core of that night, is something that will live in my blood vessels. Yeah, and I remember every single words you said, and every single words I mouthed out, and I meant what I said. I recalled his words, " it's okay, let me sacrifice for you". It sends adrenaline up my head and some hormones exchange, the tired body of mine suddenly went hyper as the happy glands took place. Save your penny of thoughts, he said that because I was cold and he was going to take his fur coat and I told him that its okay and Im already warm beside him. But for that words to be put into sentence and to be spoken, that was that that had given me butterflies-more like I just swallowed in the sweetest candy cane.

Part three. Dedicated to my cousins, Dinasour, My families.
For nothing could matter as much as you do. For only you could send chills right up to my spine and tell me something that would tickle my tummy. Because it would be meaningless to live without your presence and security, and your laughter and speech. Because you're that cells that make up my body tissues, the veins that carry my blood to my body. You're the indicator for my mistakes, and the sign of my corrects. You're the every reason for the me I am at this second, and You're the completion of everything I am not. Because love is just a word, and you had gave it meaning.

Because you're the definition of this human writing.

exaggeratte

2009-02-23T23:52:00.005+08:00

I had to tell you just this single thing. Would you care to acknowledge? Well because if you do, you should read further. I had bewildered my mind in search for sinister words and criticism in a lighter way. But the words failed to merge. I had tried to find words to make it seems less sarcastic, but it turned out gimpy instead. Up to this part, I think I should confess. What I'm about to tell, is not sinistral, nor is is sarcastic. Maybe just pure distorted feelings? I guess what I am trying to say is (Clearing my trachea and inhaling as much air as I could then releasing it again) My car broke down. (Smile until all my teeth can be seen) Be mad. For I have used that much of line for describing. Lets dig deeper. Latest news from my dad, the water pump broke. (Sounds like a pregnant woman on the edge of giving birth saying "my water just broke") That's his facial expression when he said it. So here i thereby pronounce, (Knock twice using the judge's hammer, maybe using the judge's wig as well) I pronounce the accused (which is me, claimed sinned for not filling in the radiator's water by dinasour *because I never cared about the car or it's engine, I just cared about driving* :D) Pronounced the accused not guilty. Woo-hoo (crowd cheers) If I were to give a speech it'll sound like this: Forgive me for not caring dear car, I'd be more thorough about you next time. I know, in the end you would say, Fina is such an exaggeratting brat. But who would care? It's my blog :D

forward

2009-02-21T22:09:00.004+08:00

Put yourself on the highway. You'd notice. the arrow would always point up front. Or sometimes, they'd give you signals to the left or right. Choices you would decide. Path that you would take. When you're driving, when vehicles are moving fast, there's no way for you to push the break pedal. You can't stop in the centre of the road can you? You could, but you'd get honked. If you get noticed. Or you could be attempting suicide, and if you're planning on an emergency brake, you might tag along the people behind you. All you could do is between accelerate or slowing down, or maybe you could stop on the emergency lanes, but still how big is it? How long would you stop? Let alone, there's no emergency lanes in life is there? Time doesn't stop, the more you try to make it seem slower, the more you're losing. I learned through a movie today, everything that had slowed you down, If it hadn't been that way might change some things in a good cause.
Yeah, I went and watched Benjamin Button, the guy who aged backwards. That might sound sweet. But he died an infant and not remembering any facts at all on the adventures of his life. Those he loved and lose and left behind, his first time on the piano, the places he went, even the baby steps he took- he forgot it all. If in anyway, a man could choose to age backwards or not, I wont join the league. There's no fun to it. There's a reason to why we age older and why time moves forward. Memories are to be reminisced and maybe kept in an album or myspaces but never to be repeated. It's part of constructing the sweet part of it. If you keep living it over again, you'd tire and the suppose-to-be-memories will fade slowly. Just like how slowly you began to forget your childhood plush toy. Things, no matter how hard you try to make it come alive again, will never resemble what you had had and done and went through. You could go for a holiday and do it again. But everytime you repeat it, some things would change. I know, as a fact that it's okay to change. Its okay to grow. It's okay to not be able to do some things again. Because that is when you start appreciating everything you do and did.

Words after words

2009-02-18T22:31:00.008+08:00

Since this month is February, people often relate it to love. So the big question goes, "What did you do on Valentine's?" "where did you go?" "How did you spend it?" and the related list goes non-stop. As for me, It didn't make much difference of that very day to the rest of Februaries. So as they say it is the day of love. In my opinion, I am loving every day non-stop. Not that I only love on that very day. So it didn't have that much effect on me. But hey, of course I didn't go couch-potatoes. I had things done as well. On that love-themed day, I had spent the 24 hours with Dinasour, Macx and Utt. Not for a dine on a cruise or a movie day or anything for two. I helped Utt to get his photoshoot done. He had transformed the everyday me into the lady-like chic. Not my usuals. He did a great job I supposed. Since I received comments saying, if only I had flaunt the feminine site of me more. This is how I would look.

I quote Dinasour replying back.

"jangan ngada2 la nak suro dia dress cmni..hehehehe..sbb nanti mesti i kna pakai bju yg collar up..hahaha cm mamat shuffle da i"

Haha. My comment would be: No way, not in a thousand years, shufflers are not anywhere near my comfy zone. To the feminine me people wanted to see. Im afraid that won't happen. I only dress that way on occasions.

p/s: to those who think my way of dressing up won't thrill anyone. Here's a hint. women that don't look too girlish too could get guys.Moreover, the guys they got are the ones you think you would get with your so called "stunning" clothes. For example:

Yoko Ono wore big clothes and is never sexy, yet she married John Lennon, the guy whose name is known until today.
Nancy was always the rockin' chic everyone hates, yet she was with Sid Vicious until she died.
I, the one you diss about everyday, got the rocker you lay eyes on and dream of having. Word up, dream on :D

Okay, case close until here. I just heard to many jealousy lingering about us so here I make it clear.

So back to the photoshoot. Utt's mission to show the other site of me - success. The next day he went to show the pictures to his lecturer and he was praised. He came to us with a wide smile on his face and hands clenched together as if thankful, and told us how jubilant he was as it was his work of art. I felt happy for him.

Dinasour

Utt

I somehow felt guilty for Dinasour and his mates because my model for them didn't work out. It was rejected because of my lack of expression. I am sorry from head to toe.

Despite this happy endings to Utt's work, there was of course, the disaster. The part one. The photo shoot on the 14th was the second after Utt abruptly deleted the first set of photo shoot. In that photo shoot, the theme was likelier colourful and to me, more hippie. I had my hair done by dinasour. again :P He made it look like the great Saloma. With a bun on top of my head. But it was nice. Sadly, no photos available as it was lost with the single accident click.

*I lost track to what I was writing. I get all jumbled while trying to express my happiness on what happen. In bold, my feelings aren't fraud. I feel happy for Utt, I feel guilty towards Dinasour and his teammates for ruining the assignment. Sorry guys. Really mean it. To the list I put up there, there is no feeling to it. Maybe a sense of humor? I laughed while writing it. It flowed to my brain receptors. I had to list it down. I am not dedicating it to anyone. I just loved how Yoko Ono and Nancy fit to the image. yeah, that was dinasour calling :D So much till later

music-box

2009-02-10T15:52:00.004+08:00

She loves being surrounded by zaniness. Where people clown around and the concrete hall was never at ease. All her acquaintance would see her as the girl with no hormonal effects. She doesn't smirk, does not pull a face, does not throw tantrums and doesn't act snobbish around anyone. The only thing she would do is maybe returning back smiles in her own favor. There is no way of telling if she's under her pre-menstrual cycle or not, simply because she was never moody. Not among her friends. The traits she left them with was the feeling synonymous to the word happy. Not necessarily calm, but she was never flipped. Never had a change to a sudden melancholic look. That though, does not make her any different. All her pain and angst and agony even were shuttered in her self-made music box, hid underneath towers of laughter and comical acts. And sometimes when she's in her room alone, She would remove the lock of the box and made it vacant. Hiding under her blankets, she would let loose of this hidden dark feelings, sometimes she accompanied them with tears and sometimes just a stray silence. Then when it's all gone, she would let down her eyelids and put the now vacant box aside. Waiting it to be filled with yet another set of dysphoria. Sometimes when the box went over-flowed, she would exhibit her feeling to a pal. Not in hope of making a settlement or covenant or anything like it, just to be consoled and to have a shoulder to lean and ponder. Then when her morose are sedated, she would just want someone to clean up the tears and mend the bits of her that's left. But even if she fails to do so, she would always just go back to her friends with her normal behavior-the giddy girl people recognize her to be.

cloud nine

2009-02-08T01:06:00.004+08:00

Yes I am walking, sitting, lying, crouching, standing, meditating on cloud nine. In short, lets make it this way- I have smile from the very end of my face stretched to the very end of the other side. Dancing butterflies, describe it in anyway possible. I am as happy as a lark. I have every reason to be. Yesterday, Kutthroat went ballistic in the studio. We played our hearts, while my mom and Tira's dad watched. This might sound vain, but how many of you actually brought your parents to the studio while you were practicing? And they saw with their very eyes how serious we are. If there's ever someone that you'd feel satisfied satisfying- that would be these two god's creation that bought you to earth in the first place. So we burst heads and got ourselves a new tune. Gosh, If smileys were to be swallowed, I think I overdosed. Yeah, I know I am still polishing my musical behaviors and skills and knowledge, but I think I am heading. Mama saw that in me and her words are enough for me. For she always know the tiniest changes in me. I know I am better than what I was. At least, I'm no longer playing by and for my own. I played for a crowd, I played with my friends, and I think to compare myself with my past-self, yeah, I beat my past-self. Musically, I am happy as I am not stationary. As for what I have and own. I am proud of every single people I dare call friend, family, boyfriend, band mates, buddies and close friends, teachers even. They are my greatest achievements. My sister told me, If you lose your friend to your enemies, than don't bare the sorrow for they are not worthy of your tears. I would just want to preserve the relationships I started. Sure, I have downers too. Just like every other. One that wants to steal my precious, one that don't believe in my dreams, one that says I am a waste of time, even one that says I am nothing but a rebel and the list goes on. I've read blogs and heard stories and noticed that downers are common. Every living organism would own at least one, but I would end that fact here. I am far too high above ground to care what's underneath it. I would maintain that way. Even if I'm halfway down, dinasour would always lift me up again, and mama would take me even higher. I have these people, those who love me dearly and those I love with every wits end, I have my dreams and hope just waiting for my arrival, and the flight I'm taking is getting closer with time. I have enough, more than enough reasons to feel high on life, to dance and sing and whistle- anything my euphoric hearts long for.

again

2009-02-03T20:52:00.005+08:00

my dearest ladies tagged me. So I'm bound to answer these tags questions. Just because I'm caught up in an absolute plain situation. Only I'm not answering in bullets or numerical form. So here goes the tags:-

I am at the moment cold thanks to the air-conditioner. So ask me again, am I hot? My impulses says Im not in any condition of feeling hot at all :) Now here's my favourite piece of self photo and I would be utterly glad to calm your curiosity of the question-tag why. If you look clearly you will notice me without the aid of mascara, eyeliners, eccetera. That is the look that only those really close will get to see. Some addition and facts, I've been told I look innocent with no make-up help. In most photos, I would make faces, I love to smirk and i don't mind the lines thank you. Try and refine those lines with machines and you will look like a drag queen. That goes to all the yougsters. You're young, you don't need any sorts of refinements (accept for pimples :P). Stop hating yourself and just laugh whenever you feel like it. I am in this photo too, promoting twisties. I love my food but sadly I haven't had pizzas in quite a long, long time. But that's okay because my current crave is for peanut butter and jelly and spicy mint. Which reminds, I just had toast with peanut butter and jelly. It was heaven when I was indulging it while my ears were banging to Twisted Sister's We're Not Gonna Take It. There fore I had my stomach filled and now I am stuffing all my stuffs back in my bag. I had it washed yesterday. Yeah, I am also thinking if i would prefer any names beside mine. Well, why not? I already have a few nicknames. But just a reminder, don't spell my name wrong. I get pissed off. My name is by far short enough and it would not take your whole memory cells to remember.

So did I answered all the tagged question Sara and Aina? I won't tag because I don't have the questions pasted here. But that was sweet of you guys to notice about my relationship with dinasour. :) I find it cute.

downfall

2009-02-01T22:06:00.004+08:00

A letter from a humble knight. States her lost of war, and lost of raid. In an almost-fade ink, there lies the truth of her downfall. For this knight believed in a convincing comrade. For this knight went without army nor shield, neither was there any shining armor nor sword. For the faith given was wrapped with dignity and pure belief. Only to be scratched and teared by those filthy hyenas. For the knight was a she and for that she wasn't secure. And so her fortress built crashed down and bowed and obeyed to the greed and comfort of her comrade. Her supporting arms abandoned the war. Alone. Selfishly. And as the comrade change its name to foe, so she built a tomb to sacred her kindness. Like the fading dusts of the after war, her soul and beliefs perished to the underworld. The enemy at hand was let loose and set free. And the horizon of what should be cheers and rejoice now turns to a solemn, mourning sky. And with all the agony, she gathered her bits of strength. To return home and pledged never to combat in this risky cold war.

Home was her final destination and home was far. Out of all her misfortunes, she found her wounds were healed and cured and she was somewhere safe. For someone had bought her an antidote and someone was so divine. For someone had took pity on her and had cover her tears with a warm and cosy laughter. For her bruised dignity was cured and she was taken far from the sight of her collapsed fortress. Only for a second would she wish to know a reason for such evil. But only to be reminded of how a fool she had been, and how lucky she had become.

tagged

2009-01-30T02:02:00.003+08:00

Due to tags. I am answering random questions. In my own rebellious way, I made changes. Just for sizzles. And just because someone said I haven't been updating. *childish grin*

1.What have you been doing recently?
Busy loving, sometimes cursing, loving on my 99% of time. Getting chores done, and trying to get away from everything annoying and sickening that could made my facial expression change horrifically.

2.Do you ever turn your cell phone off?
Only by accident. Or avoidance. My phone has tantrums and P.M.S. Therefore sometimes it shuts itself down. Sometimes it leads to good things. I would only be utterly frantic if i missed dinasour's call or mama's or Nad's. Other then said, I don't take that much of a heart's feeling.

3.What happened at 10am today?
I woke up to find it was 10 and the sun was high above head. But I was too bummed to wake up so I continued making my walk to dream land and roll up under the blankets and hugged the only thing on my hand distance. I woke again at 12 noon.

4.When did you last cry?
The day before my birthday and only because I was too flattered. Ever since my birthday, I had no reason to cry or be sad.

5.Believe in fate/destiny?
I do believe in it. I believe in a lot of things now that I see god's work. The biggest thing that got me was, every happening worse comes to worse will have a happy ending in its own way. It happened to me. So I have the smile from chin to chin drawn on my face. My heart thumps in it's maximum too. Because that rough road i went through had me my redemption of almost heaven-like.

6.What do you want in your life now?
To perform on my own stage and have music side by side with me. To have those I loved for eternity. To stay away from rotten people and stay far. To kill what's putting me astray from my dreams and hopes.

7.Do you carry an umbrella when it rains or just put up your hood?
I don't do predictions. I just do things as they go. Therefore, If the rain pours and I am nothing in a way to prevent it, I would just let it pour down on me. I'd let my skin savor the water drops. Rain could be fun don't you agree?

8.What's your favourite thing to do on the bed?
I have a number of favourite things to do on the bed. The most pleasurable of all though, is curling until your muscles are so tight up under your blankies and holding your all-time favourite pillow next to you and doze off. Admit it, that's the reason why beds are even invented.

9.What bottoms are you wearing now?
my girl's boxers. The most comfortable thing to wear.

10.What's the nicest things in your inbox?
My favourite of all the nicest is:- "hunny, ur gelang yg i pki gud luck charm sbb solo i record td ok dow. hehe". Sent by dinasour. Written in the exact way as it is in my inbox. There's numerous nice things in my inbox still. But that is something I would keep just for myself.

11.Do you tend to make the relationship complicated?
In my current condition, no way. I'm a smooth sailor. I try to be one. Plus, what's the need for it. Only to make you gawk for attention. Forced attention is what you'd receive when you make it complicated. I am one who can tell between fake and not and i got tired of the fakes. I have my genuine attention and I currently feel appreciated like I never had before. So why should i be such a rebel in here?

12.Are you wearing anything borrowed from anyone?
Nothing borrowed. Just from someone. Well, not from. More like about someone. It's sealed so I can't take it off. I won't even if I could.

13.What was the last movie you caught?
inkheart. It was nice and i had my laughs. You should see it

14.What are you proud of?
What I own right at this very moment. Every single people in my life at this point, every single thing i am going through. I have to say, although you might say I am a little too exaggerating, I am somehow proud of myself. I have to be. It's not good to condemn yourself, there's enough people who would fight to do that for you. So save your breath and appreciate one's self. haha. Mama's teaching.

15.What does the oldest text msg in your inbox say?
"Yeay! hehe. Im such a lucky guy that have a girlfriend like you baby." You're free to guess who sent it.

16.What was the last song you sang out loud?
That would be Superhuman. In my car while I was driving home just now. I have my girl moments too. I don't always listen to what the parents call "hard-to-swallow-in" songs. Plus, superhuman should have acknowledgements. Listen to the words, They're like bullets shot direct to your four-chambered pumping muscle. I find it very tranquilizing. :)

17.Do you have any nicknames?
My friend call me fina as it is. My family call me kak long, because I am the eldest and I am the eldest grandchild too. Hey, there's capertillar too. That's reserved for dinasour.

18.What does the newest text say?
"a ah, bru je hntr msg u off" I replied on ym.

19.What time did you go to bed last night?
If I could recall the last time i sited a clock the hands showed half past 4 in the morning. I think I slept an hour after that.

20.Are you currently happy?
Im more than happy. Too much to put into words. I am thankful even. For every single thing has given me enough reason to smile every second.

21.Who gives you the best advise?
Mama. She is the best advisor one could seek. Her words lift my spirits up and I gain confidence from her. There's Nad too, one who never fails to help me when Im crunched between tiles. She thinks like a wise adult when my brain thinks like a four year old. Now i have dinasour too. I look up to how he settles things down and keeping me on track. My sister too. She thinks wiser than me. I adore how she throws away the less important things.

22.Do you eat whipped cream straight from the can?
Yeah. haha. that was suppose to be my secret. I am addicted to whipped cream. Which reminds, my house is out of whipped cream. Should ask mama to buy.

23.Who did you talk on the phone last night?
Nobody. Because I was all ears to dinasour.

24.Is something bugging you now?
Not that I could think of. Minor disturbance. Not enough to keep me bugged though.

25.Who was the last person to make you laugh?
Dinasour. lol

awareness

2009-01-20T23:42:00.007+08:00

Some facts and precautions on the Cunts virus:

Cunts are pretentious. They call themselves acquaintance but tries hard to make you fall flat.
Cunts steal your limelight just because you are the reason to fame and friends.
Cunts are prestigious actors. They can make a blur face when the incident gets worst.
Cunts are ugly. They love the ugly bits about you and they will sure to spread it like it's a sin not to.
Cunts are terribly annoying to the point that it's useless to even scream at their face.
Cunts have huge ego. They love to think they are like Gandhi, the peace warrior.
Cunts think they're wise. So wise they could tell the rights from all the wrongs in the world.
Cunts love your sleazy bad habits because it would make their stories sell up to the market.
Cunts love to make you look bad, because it will make them feel better. Thus, proclaiming themselves the neighborhood hero.
Cunts are filthy people. They get jealous at your achievements and they have the tendency to wanting to destroy your every pieces.
Cunts have medieval gestures. They go by the motto "I always get my trophy, therefore I am a winner". Sex Pistols didn't get a trophy, but they made history. Cunts will not be able to recognize that. They promote learning malfunction.
Cunts love to leave trails because they need a troupe of followers; so they can always lead.

If you happen to see Cunts wandering around, please contaminate yourself. It's virus could either kill, or bring you to living hell. Cunts are indestructable and the cure hasn't yet been found. To be in contact could be fatal. Please don't stay in touch with those affected. :)

Phua Chu Kang

2009-01-19T22:44:00.011+08:00

I have bundles of words stuffed in my mouth waiting to come out as writings. I am right now exhausted. I drank yet I'm still short of liquid in my body. My throat says it need something soothing. Yesterday, I acted as an extra in the tv series Phua Chu Kang. My first time to be at a shooting set, in the set, surrounded by cameras and lights. I got pretty nervous. Dinasour keep saying good luck so I guessed I overcame it. I had my hair up high for the first time. Yeah, Dinasour's job.
So it goes, I only acted as a punk rocker who came in to be interviewed by Rosie and Suzie ( apparently as it seems, she happens to be Rosie's sister) as a candidate for Bang's girlfriend. I still am not sure who Bang is. My wild guess is that he is Chu Kang's worker. Macx had drools over this Bang guy.(his real name is Khalif if im not mistaken?). That's how the scene goes. They say we will be on episode 8. So I'm gonna watch my ass for that. :)

Meet my hairstylist :) my dinasour

Meet Gurmit Singh; Chu Kang

Meet Rosie. She has a photo of us in her mobile. Yeay!

Meet Kak Alia. I have her to thank :)

That was only the fun part. The disaster piece was when my hair was let down, I look like Edward Scissorhand without my scissors and Knives and my face wasn't as white. I stole Dinasour's cap just for the record. It would be ridiculous not to. Since I look like some crazy women that had spend half of her life living in the thick jungle :) It is true.

Need I mention too, I spend the longest time in my life in the bathroom just to detangle my hair. What hurts more is that, the bathroom has no water heater! I bathed cold at night and spent almost an hour. I was even shocked myself could stand the almost zero degree water. Well, to me it's like almost zero. I hate being cold! Let alone shower in it. Well, exceptions for hot sunny day. So I learned what dinasour had to do after his show. The hair. Blame it on the hair. Isn't there anyone who would like to invent something that could detangle hair in a blink or two?

So after it all, I just shut my eyes and doze off. I've got used up energy.

this particular band.

2009-01-14T23:00:00.002+08:00

I THEREFORE ANNOUNCE WITH A BIG FAT SMILE ON MY FACE;

PinK Acid's single shout out's up on myspace

www.myspace.com/pinkaxid

here's the link so go. go! go! go!
(^.^)

Soon it will be kutthroat's turn.
We'll join the league for sure (:

p/s: Don't ask why I'm overjoyed. I like this song so I'm promoting.

daily bits

2009-01-13T22:20:00.002+08:00

I can say I'm quite driven today. I shockingly finish my assignment. Not just literally, but I took into account what I actually was writing about. Yes, I read the whole article, even took myself to an imaginary tour to the classical era and embellish my self with those fine lavish evening gowns walking down the aisle, riding the horse-carriage to the opera. I actually did that, all the way until my assignment reached the end. Then I went and have lunch. I skipped breakfast, since I woke up late. Then I thought of calling these two people, yes, the none other bestie and dinasour. But i guessed they wouldn't have gotten up yet. Since I live surrounded by people that live by the rule, "When the sun is right above your head, close your eyes and pretend it's night". Its shocking if either one would wake up so early when they have the whole day unplanned :)
So I dunk my ears in my headphone and listen to all the fast-paced, abrupt tempo changing songs on my playlist. I keep wishing I could play as good at that. Then I got tired of wishing. I got up, plugged in, and I was on my guitar. Only to find out that it badly needs a change of strings. We went along however. I practiced some songs, I listened to songs and tried to follow. Then praise myself just to boose my confidence. Comparing myself between minutes gaps. Trying hard to be better. Then I felt tired. So I took my bath. Then indulge myself in all those oils and lotions and soap. Whatever that sooths. Then, the sun sets and it's night. So now I am, again, writing. Before my eyes fall and it's time for bed and tomorow takes place. (:

writings

2009-01-08T23:43:00.002+08:00

tonight, my mind got so focused on the feeling of being pampered. I suddenly listen to superhuman. repeatedly. Somehow the lyrics touched me. Then i remember an all time favourite of mine. An old tune by Selena. The song Dreaming Of You, to me, never fails to reflect the soft side of me. Right now especially, it fits in my whole emotional bounds perfectly. So i wrote this lines of lyrics which i haven't found it's tune. It's pretty obvious who was and what was on my mind while I'm writing :)

this is an emergency
a false call for doctor.
i don't need their drugs.
i just need to acknowledge.

i guess you're a sharp shooter
you're arrows stroke my heart
did you put your poison in it
because it buries deeper inside
now you're arrow's in my flesh
don't pull it out, it's my life support.

take me higher
i wanna taste the heaven's candy
pull me in your arms
lock me inside your warmth
kiss me on my forehead
i wanna stay like this forever

i dont want no presciption.
i have gone way too far.
my sickness's overated
it doesnt hurt it feels so good.

Inspired by t-rex
But isnt that obvious?
(0.0)

serenity

2009-01-06T20:53:00.002+08:00

lets step away from this sidewalks and sway.
lets dive down deep in this unknown tales.
lets say our cheers and bury our solemn memories.
lets take the wheel and steer to a series of lost and founds

Because the rainbow's growing pale
and the rain falls as snow.
lets build a shelter where it blooms
where love spreads wild and its enemy extinct.

let the angels overtake.
let the devils vow to conviction.
let the shadow plays ends itself.
let there be no mask just pure hearts.
if there is still bits left of it, let it reborn to serenity.

because nobody refuse yet nobody puts a head up.
because the truth is known but never spoke off.
nobody admits being coward.
but hid beneath their luxury.
because nobody cares and everyone is blind.

lets turn a fresh page on this old-torn book.
let it be another story with a happy ending.
let it be hard to believe, let it be fairy tales.
lets not lost our souls to the those haunting creatures.
lets be the epitome of life in serenity.

i do not know what's on my head while writing. all i know is, the world has to much hatred to handle. let's give it a peace of mind. and now im a social activist. nah, im just saying. lets do more loving and less hating.

things to remember

2009-01-04T16:47:00.007+08:00

I would want to find words to say it nicely. but I think I'll just shout it out.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

As excited as you think i might sound, I am still in disbelief. I've passed 18. Im already a year out of high school, and I'm a college student. Lots n lots of things happened last year. I started college. I started Kutthroat. I met new people. I learn and went through dozens. But I guess out of all these events, there's one occasion I can proudly say the happiest-the peak happening of last year.
So here I'll recap what and how and why. Greatest of this year, my birthday! They had me surprised. Something I never had before. Nobody had done it that way on my birthday.

nad made this birthday cake for me.

this people were there and some others. Sorry I don't have your pictures :) And I am eating but what can I say. Fat girls love to eat :P

Well that's one big thing. The surprise was only a mark to start of my 18th birthday. Here's another. I'm not gonna put them into words because honestly, you can't. But yeah, dinasour gave me a surprise too which stands till today :)

haha. love you t-rex.

dull

2008-12-29T20:08:00.010+08:00

I am so bummed today. I don’t feel like going out, I don’t feel like talking to anyone. I thought of doing my assignment but my body fails to act. So I am typing. I am on my myspace, but sadly, I find no one interesting to talk to. I aim to sleep, but all the neurons in my body is still so active. I should be outside by now, but somehow I choose to stay in bed. For some reason I’m not quite sure what. I should’ve gone jamming but they had to postponed it to tomorrow. I don’t have my amp with me, so I’m down to my takamine. Which is fine, only that right now I feel like plugging in. I ate two times today. I’m surprised I had that much of an appetite today. Ofcourse, I ate a lot everyday, but only tidbits and deserts and some whacko crackers. Not main courses. I have my piano class tomorrow, and I’m picking my new I.C, and I’ve got jamming. I might be worn out tomorrow. But today, is just so dull. I watched movies, I went practicing, then eat, then went on and offline like a couple of times. And it just goes back in circles. I wanted to talk to dinasour. Just as I was thinking about it, he called. Now my impulses are reflexing back like how they should :) I feel like baking cupcakes. Yes, I think I should go bake cupcakes. Yesterday’s cupcake reminds me of the cupcakes me and mama and my sis usually bake. I should get my ass to the kitchen. Maybe I could do some cream puffs too... Woah, I’m already hungry, yet again. I could be fat if I live like this everyday. But then again, who would care. Crave is crave and temptations are hard to resist, especially when it comes to food. Since when do I love to eat anyway? *confused* Just for today, I seem to have the stomach of a wolf.

sister abuse

2008-12-25T17:17:00.003+08:00

I'm ashamed to be the one to tell this part of the story. Especially knowing it had happened to my best friend. Fuck, she's more than just a friend, people even mistook us as twin. Mind my bad language, but I'm so full of rage. What kind of a brother hits his little sister with a cane and golf stick just to show off your so-called ego? What kind of a brother lets his sister scream in vain and holding the pain when you're enjoying it? What kind of a brother tortures his sister and made her look like a maid? A sick one I would conclude. I feel like I wanted to take this brother out and do the exact same thing he did to Nad. He don't deserve to have a sister. Just because your parents leave you in charge doesn't mean you could monopoly everything sucker. If you're a man, be gentle at it. As far as I know, she only left home because you treated her like a servant. You made her wash your clothes, clean the house hold, cook for every meal, and yell at her when she abruptly blocks your view from the television. Dear "brother", you are so full of shit you don't deserve to have a family. You don't even know how to take care of them. I know, I watched. The last time I walk in that house, it smelt so stale I had to puke. You left the chairs everywhere, the television open and your laptop in the middle of the hall. No wonder it was stolen. You are so irresponsible you should put the blame on yourself. You don't appreciate when we, yes WE clean it up for you! Yet, you still want to show how manly you are, by locking me, yes ME inside. Hello loser, Im not part of your family. Don't you feel ashame a stranger had to clean your mess?? You're uncivilized. You're ill-mannered. You're sick. Even a psychopath would have better manner. So people, If you are a brother, please, no violence. Who do you think you are? It's human we're talking about.