Stop and stare

We face liars everyday. The good ones, the bad ones, the labelled ones, even the ones you thought were never capable of doing such things. But you know what's the worst lie to face? The lie you had to hear when you already know the truth, the lie that came out from the ones you love. People would say, leave him if you're not happy, leave him if he treats you that way. Leave him. For what? So he would think that he could get away and go breaking other people's heart? Sometimes people forget that a bruised heart hurts more than being attacked by a thousand arrows. No don't leave him, because you know you can't. Because you secretly wish he would change, because you keep hoping that one day he will love you as a whole. The future never told. You don't care really about his dishonest act, you just wanted for him to spell it out.

There's never a relationship without cheating, there's never a relationship without lies, but if you love it, and if it is worth it, stop it, before you lose the most beautiful relationship you could ever have.

real dreams

I was on my way back from Abby's when something struck my mind. Okay, fine the intro is cliche. But now I realise that someway somehow, I am in a place where I never thought I will be 5 years ago. Well, honestly, I did daydream about it, and when I daydream, I usually become obsessed with them that I would stallk the little details to make them come true. It's just that I never thought thay'd really come true since you know, being a kid, people always say stuff like, "angan-angan je tu" and stuff like, " it's all in your head, you know you're not gonna be like that" and more oftenly stuff like, " ah you, teruskan je la mimpi you tu.... tak ke mane pun". Yeah so you kinda digest it until your brain interprets every dream to be repulsive, surreal, aint-never-gonna-happen-lady kind of thing. Make it short, they tell you dream=not gonna happen. Or maybe they always thought that mine was so out of the league it would never have happened. Im not here to brag, I've had enough of that and it's not longer fun, but I guess I owe it to myself to say, " hey look at you, you've climbed step by step and you grab your stars one by one, and they say stars are impossible to reach, but you prove people otherwise, but guess what, even if you reach the top, they would still say you're a dreamer because they can't accept that they didn't follow their dream and you did, and you succeeded. Maybe you haven't have it all just yet, because it's no fun to eat candies and drink milkshakes at the same time but you'll get one by one and maybe one day all of them if you keep on flying, keep on trying and as long as you don't decide to bury your dreams and keep them in a box just so you could tell your grandchildren the i-once-had-this-dream stuff, they'll eventually turn to be reality". After all real dreams are made of effort and the chance taken.

me

In another version of life, I am a nocturnal who lives in the city apartment which has big glasses soaring sevent feet tall overseeing the city nightline, on the other side, the beach. And my bedsheets they smell like milk, like babies and lavenders. On my sofa is the remote control for everything, and where I lay I can see the world from above, glancing down at the party people.. Not that I want to join, I'm good here in my confined space. In my other life, I have my tall guy too, the very same one I have in this version of life with and addition of my fluffy kittens. My other version of life, lives in my head.

Life

Life : Is when you fail and get up again.
Life : Is when you make mistakes and admit to them.
Life : Is when you feel pain as much as you feel joy.
Life : Is making up to the mistakes you've done.
Life : Is when you sacrifice, and change for the benefits of not only yourself, but others too.
Life : Is when you forgive and take on the bright side
Life : Is to devote to god and to work hard for life and love


Well, every corner of my life seems to experience that. But ofcourse, I'm not saying I've seen the best of life because I am still purely, just living. In the process to understand life. What concerns me yesterday was how I need to work hard and succeed at everything for my Mom. What concerns me today is tomorow's advertising class. In which I already missed 2 classes, and therefore, the risk of getting a "fail" is there. But I won't make any excuse, It was me and me alone, and I accept that, and the consequence thatcome with it. Well hey, I could learn again and most importantly, not repeat my mistakes. And yes, I have rage. For this and that, if things don't go my way I could bet I'd go throw tantrums. That has to change. I've decided to try best as possible to let go of my anger, to overcome these negative feelings. I really hope, dear god, that you carry me through this life with guidance, and a chance to repent and get back on my knees again, with brave heart.

reincarnation

Yesterday I learn: people can't deal with the whole truth all at once, which is why the Quran is brought down one at a time.

True enough, and we often realise how many mistakes we've done until we lost something. True too.

Both of the above statement is me. I learn if we change for people, we're in for a self-destruction. It eats us from within and than it eats everything else around the destructed. It eats life. I've seen this happening to myself. It eats those I love most, everything from entity, masses and dreams. I've tried so hard to become everything people want me to be, I forgot what I wanted to be.

I guess now only I am ready to change myself. Well I am little bit late, but it was the wake up call I needed. I can't change the past, even if I churn my intestine and heart. But I can mould my future to be a better one. I can't tell people I've changed and what part of me changed. I can only show. So look out world, Im reincarnating, here's a better version of me.

I never will forget though everything that got me this far, my body is full of the tattoos I made. All of them good, the last one bad, but I like it though, sometimes we need it to feel human. But my skin is stretching still, and as time grows I'll have more to tattoos, I wish one day a new artist will be available to mark a fresh new tattoo down on me, with new inks.


p/s: should've gone to see Slash.

Fire!

You can't say Bruce Springsteen didn't once made you melt. At an age like this, he sure still has it.
Fire - one of my favourite of his :)

As I grow

I've come to discover that when I was little I sulk a lot. Like really a lot, I sulk whenever things don't go my way, and I cry at the littlest pain, yeah and people could drown in my tears if I were to feel pains - with the s, plural form, as in saying many.

Now that i've reach adulthood (while saying this, please note that i'm still in doubt if I'm fit enough to be called an adult), point is, now I can cry at almost everything, I mean, small pain don't and won't cost me tears, I almost just get over it, or as hard as I try to force, my tears just won't budge out. But I could cry at watching movies, reading stories, and of course, when I feel like I've failed.

My tears flow while I was watching My Name is Khan, well because, it's touchy enough to see how the Muslims withstand hatred from people around after the event of 9/11. I cried at watching Adamaya, because it's touchy too see a wife begging for forgiveness from his husband. Then i cried at watching Lovely Bones because, i was raged at the heartless killer. Point is, I guess, as I grew it's easier for me to imagine myself in such situations, it's easier for me to relate to people even.

I mean as I grew, I realise more than ever that I can't be selfish. Whatever suffering I go through, obstacles I need to overtake, whatever hurricane and storm I need to withstand, I am never alone, infact there might be someone out there facing worse. I learnt that at times we need to follow our heart, but sometimes emotions kill. And that's when the brain takes over. I've realised too, emotions could swallow us deep into a sinkhole, but wisdom could only tell us how to live.